Hi all,
Here is a news bulletin for you, from the BBC:
'Computer tan' website scores hit
Ok so here's the story, 1 million people have been online to a website and downloaded software that they believed would give them a 5 minute tan.
Now I'm not sure what is worse here to be honest. The fact the website is, in effect, mis-advertising their product. Or that 1 million people believed that their PC monitor could give them a tan. I wouldn't mind but these are probably the same million people that bitched about fucking mobile phone towers irradiating their faces.
How stupid are these people? I always used to go by the phrase;
"Half the people you meet are below average intelligence"
But now I'm going to go with;
"Half the people are average meat, and have no intelligence."
Not worth talking to, not even worth eating, they'd probably be really stringy and horrible.
Did they really think that their monitors would get past ECC, BSI and other health and safety Euro-rulings if with a simple piece of software they could emit UV intense enough it'd burn you?
Were these people so ridiculously retarded as to believe that all hardware supported this functionality and no-one had noticed before?
Unfortunately though, I bet these wankers are clever enough to create a law-suit asking why this isn't possible when the website clearly said it could be done.
Stupid bastards. Mind you, maybe they have an excuse. After all, judging by the area this story is based in, inbreeding does have an effect in some ways.
LINK: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/7969758.stm
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Google knows...that is all
Hi all,
There is a stirring in the force, a change in the world, something is affecting people through the interweb. It is affecting everyone.People who have never been on the internet are now going online to look at pictures.
And what are these pictures of? Where have they come from? Who took them? Do you really want to know? Do you want to know that badly? Do you really want to know the truth?
I'll tell you...it's Google.
Google have been to your house. They have been to your mums house. They have even been to your Nan's house. They have pictures of your dad in a hat. They know where you live!
But why do you care?
Seriously, I don't have figures to support this, but apparently 117% of people in the "Googled" cities, in the UK, have been online in the last fortnight checking out the pictures of their house. Quick tip for you, open your front door, go outside, turn around. See that? See that building? That's your fucking house. It's been there all along.
What so special about it being "online"?
Tell you what, go back outside with a camera, turn around, see that building? Take a picture. Run back indoors and upload it.
There you go. Your house, on the tubes. Now stop fucking boasting that your house is on the internet and mine isn't. Mine would be too if I could be arsed, and no, I'm not jealous honest.
Thanks for reading,
There is a stirring in the force, a change in the world, something is affecting people through the interweb. It is affecting everyone.People who have never been on the internet are now going online to look at pictures.
And what are these pictures of? Where have they come from? Who took them? Do you really want to know? Do you want to know that badly? Do you really want to know the truth?
I'll tell you...it's Google.
Google have been to your house. They have been to your mums house. They have even been to your Nan's house. They have pictures of your dad in a hat. They know where you live!
But why do you care?
Seriously, I don't have figures to support this, but apparently 117% of people in the "Googled" cities, in the UK, have been online in the last fortnight checking out the pictures of their house. Quick tip for you, open your front door, go outside, turn around. See that? See that building? That's your fucking house. It's been there all along.
What so special about it being "online"?
Tell you what, go back outside with a camera, turn around, see that building? Take a picture. Run back indoors and upload it.
There you go. Your house, on the tubes. Now stop fucking boasting that your house is on the internet and mine isn't. Mine would be too if I could be arsed, and no, I'm not jealous honest.
Thanks for reading,
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Drinking like it's 2003
Hi all,
I tried an experiment at the weekend. I was at someone's 21st birthday party, so I decided to party like I was 21. Here's a tip.
DON'T DO IT.
If you have already been through all that heavy drinking stuff, with the shots of different coloured liquor and wierd things that taste like mouthwash, and you haven't done it in quite some time, then don't try it. Don't even think to yourself that you can. YOU CAN'T.
I was drunk. Now I'm not talking the kind of drunk where you know how to spell your name on the third attempt. I mean absolutely smashed. The beer fairies got me home, you know who you are, and I love you too.
I was so smashed that I have memories of thinking I had more legs than a camel. If you have ever seen a Camel get around you'd know why this was a problem. Camels can't cope with four legs, let alone a spider embarrassing 14. People have said that I looked, shall we say, awkward getting out the back of a Micra. To them I say...
"YOU TRY IT WITH 14 LEGS, SEE HOW FAR YOU GET!! YOU'D GET TRAPPED IN THE BACK TOO!"
Why is it that alcohol affects your brain? I'd much rather a drink that was much more specific than all encompassing brain failure. How about a drink that when consumed gives you a blind spot for snacks. You have 5 shots of this stuff and all of a sudden all crisps, twiglets and sandwiches disappear.
Or a drink that makes you hear people talk like they were in the middle ages? That one would have its uses. Just drink 5 pints of the stuff before doing a Shakespeare essay. Sorted.
Now I'm not putting myself forward for testing, but trust me, there are plenty of 21 year olds out there who would be more than willing to try them, repeatedly, until they fail to remember how many limbs they have.
Thanks for reading,
I tried an experiment at the weekend. I was at someone's 21st birthday party, so I decided to party like I was 21. Here's a tip.
DON'T DO IT.
If you have already been through all that heavy drinking stuff, with the shots of different coloured liquor and wierd things that taste like mouthwash, and you haven't done it in quite some time, then don't try it. Don't even think to yourself that you can. YOU CAN'T.
I was drunk. Now I'm not talking the kind of drunk where you know how to spell your name on the third attempt. I mean absolutely smashed. The beer fairies got me home, you know who you are, and I love you too.
I was so smashed that I have memories of thinking I had more legs than a camel. If you have ever seen a Camel get around you'd know why this was a problem. Camels can't cope with four legs, let alone a spider embarrassing 14. People have said that I looked, shall we say, awkward getting out the back of a Micra. To them I say...
"YOU TRY IT WITH 14 LEGS, SEE HOW FAR YOU GET!! YOU'D GET TRAPPED IN THE BACK TOO!"
Why is it that alcohol affects your brain? I'd much rather a drink that was much more specific than all encompassing brain failure. How about a drink that when consumed gives you a blind spot for snacks. You have 5 shots of this stuff and all of a sudden all crisps, twiglets and sandwiches disappear.
Or a drink that makes you hear people talk like they were in the middle ages? That one would have its uses. Just drink 5 pints of the stuff before doing a Shakespeare essay. Sorted.
Now I'm not putting myself forward for testing, but trust me, there are plenty of 21 year olds out there who would be more than willing to try them, repeatedly, until they fail to remember how many limbs they have.
Thanks for reading,
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
He-Man is a Big, Gay, Nazi
I've been away, I've come back.
I was jailed for running a 90 year old granny over, but the jury weren't too bothered about that. They were bothered however by the 4 people carrying her coffin, that's the last time I drive in a cemetery.
Right, on with the show! He-Man, the 80's cartoon hero is up for a bashing. What a complete and utter gaylord.
"Ooh look at my big sword, I'll cut you"
He is the epitome of the muscly gay stereotype.
"I HAVE THE POWER!!!"
Waving his sword around. Who does he think he is? He is also a liar. You can tell he's gay by the way he tries to hide it by spending his time riding what can only be described as a giant pussy. Yeah mate, you have the power. Obviously.
Also if you watch the cartoons you'll notice he walks funny. Some say that its down to animation techniques available at the time. I say it's because his ass hurts too much.
He is also a blatant Nazi. Big, muscular blond haired and blue eyed bloke. With one hell of a schwerpunkt sword, and you can tell he's evil really because he lives in a place called "greyskull". Seriously, if you are a good guy you live in Acacia Avenue or something. Where did Banana-Man live? Danger Mouse? exactly. Not fucking 18 Greyskull Street, Deathsville.
"OOOh look I'm so hard, BY THE POWER OF FORESKIN!!! shit, GREYSKULL!"
I've had enough of him. The sooner people stop adding him to youtube the better.
Thanks for reading.
I was jailed for running a 90 year old granny over, but the jury weren't too bothered about that. They were bothered however by the 4 people carrying her coffin, that's the last time I drive in a cemetery.
Right, on with the show! He-Man, the 80's cartoon hero is up for a bashing. What a complete and utter gaylord.
"Ooh look at my big sword, I'll cut you"
He is the epitome of the muscly gay stereotype.
"I HAVE THE POWER!!!"
Waving his sword around. Who does he think he is? He is also a liar. You can tell he's gay by the way he tries to hide it by spending his time riding what can only be described as a giant pussy. Yeah mate, you have the power. Obviously.
Also if you watch the cartoons you'll notice he walks funny. Some say that its down to animation techniques available at the time. I say it's because his ass hurts too much.
He is also a blatant Nazi. Big, muscular blond haired and blue eyed bloke. With one hell of a schwerpunkt sword, and you can tell he's evil really because he lives in a place called "greyskull". Seriously, if you are a good guy you live in Acacia Avenue or something. Where did Banana-Man live? Danger Mouse? exactly. Not fucking 18 Greyskull Street, Deathsville.
"OOOh look I'm so hard, BY THE POWER OF FORESKIN!!! shit, GREYSKULL!"
I've had enough of him. The sooner people stop adding him to youtube the better.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Car Crash Record Breaker
Hi All,
Car accidents can be horrific. You can have serious damage done to your internal organs, broken bones, whiplash, cuts and bruises, psychological trauma and normally even a little knock can be quite debilitating.
A woman recently had a car crash, and it broke her nails for example. That doesn't sound that bad until you read on and the story says that these nails were mammoth, 2ft long, record breakers.
That woman holds the guinness world record for the longest fingernails in the world. Can you imagine a life where you can't type an email, open a jar of Branston Pickle, rub your eyes without removing one of them or unrolling toilet paper without automatically carving them into paperchain people? It must also have been a pain in other ways. You have probably experienced yourself when you have cut your fingernails and left a sticky out bit and that has got caught on something.
Well imagine if that "sticky out bit" is actually 2 and a half feet long! You could get them caught on Buses, cars, hot air ballons and passing tramps, let alone that special fluffy jumper you got for christmas. Can you imagine getting home at the end of the day and having to remove stray dogs, pigeons and squirrels and things that have got caught up in your hands? No, didn't think so.
Well, she had this car accident and I would understand at this point if she cried. She has lost her livelihood. But on the bright side she can now do all those things that she hasn't been able to do for the last 20 years. Normally these things are not without a sense of irony. I bet she is a natural touch typist, or she can play amazing piano. Or something.
But I do know this. She is the only person in the world who has had a car accident and has actually come off physically better. That's more than lucky.
thanks for reading.
Car accidents can be horrific. You can have serious damage done to your internal organs, broken bones, whiplash, cuts and bruises, psychological trauma and normally even a little knock can be quite debilitating.
A woman recently had a car crash, and it broke her nails for example. That doesn't sound that bad until you read on and the story says that these nails were mammoth, 2ft long, record breakers.
That woman holds the guinness world record for the longest fingernails in the world. Can you imagine a life where you can't type an email, open a jar of Branston Pickle, rub your eyes without removing one of them or unrolling toilet paper without automatically carving them into paperchain people? It must also have been a pain in other ways. You have probably experienced yourself when you have cut your fingernails and left a sticky out bit and that has got caught on something.
Well imagine if that "sticky out bit" is actually 2 and a half feet long! You could get them caught on Buses, cars, hot air ballons and passing tramps, let alone that special fluffy jumper you got for christmas. Can you imagine getting home at the end of the day and having to remove stray dogs, pigeons and squirrels and things that have got caught up in your hands? No, didn't think so.
Well, she had this car accident and I would understand at this point if she cried. She has lost her livelihood. But on the bright side she can now do all those things that she hasn't been able to do for the last 20 years. Normally these things are not without a sense of irony. I bet she is a natural touch typist, or she can play amazing piano. Or something.
But I do know this. She is the only person in the world who has had a car accident and has actually come off physically better. That's more than lucky.
thanks for reading.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Dear god,
Hi all,
I am not what you would call a religious man. You would probably call me a lot of things, some of them rather rude maybe, but not one of them would be religious. In fact there is nothing more strange for me than spending several hours of everyday worshipping what actually amounts to be a fairy.
But in my happy Atheist world there is a problem. My daughter's school took my daughter (and others, it wasn't a special indoctrination trip) to church.
Now due to the quirks of a 5 year old's brain she has got it into her head that the priest, or vicar, storyteller if you will, is, in actual fact, god. This doesn't seem to be a problem until you try to explain it in from an atheist point of view. Here is roughly how the conversation went.
"Daddy, I went to church today and saw god"
"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."
"That's the vicar, my angel"
"No Daddy, it's god."
"God doesn't exist, some people believe he does, but I don't"
"But..I SAW him"
"Sweetheart, you can't have seen 'god' because he is an anthropomorphic personification of natural forces, and the stories of his alter ego, Jesus are an amalgamation of stories that originated 2000 years before Jesus was around, if he even existed"
Ok, so I probably pitched this a little high for a 5 year old, but to her credit she came back with:
"I know that Daddy, but I saw him, and I spoke to him. So he does exist"
Now my response to this was probably not as intelligent. In fact it is probably more what I would expect from my daughter, having just taken a first class trip into the world of sarcasm recently, but I said, and I am quite embarrassed about this. I said:
"Whatever."
So there you go. My daughter believes in god. But what's more she believes that father Gerald is god. And I have no argument that she can understand. Any more than I can explain that inside every Tellytubby there is an under paid, under valued actor. So now that seed has been placed in her mind, through society and not through my teaching, I have to provide the balancing wheel, I will have to entertain her thoughts until such time as she can actually understand exactly what she has been told. Thank you to the School system.
Thanks for reading,
I am not what you would call a religious man. You would probably call me a lot of things, some of them rather rude maybe, but not one of them would be religious. In fact there is nothing more strange for me than spending several hours of everyday worshipping what actually amounts to be a fairy.
But in my happy Atheist world there is a problem. My daughter's school took my daughter (and others, it wasn't a special indoctrination trip) to church.
Now due to the quirks of a 5 year old's brain she has got it into her head that the priest, or vicar, storyteller if you will, is, in actual fact, god. This doesn't seem to be a problem until you try to explain it in from an atheist point of view. Here is roughly how the conversation went.
"Daddy, I went to church today and saw god"
"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."
"That's the vicar, my angel"
"No Daddy, it's god."
"God doesn't exist, some people believe he does, but I don't"
"But..I SAW him"
"Sweetheart, you can't have seen 'god' because he is an anthropomorphic personification of natural forces, and the stories of his alter ego, Jesus are an amalgamation of stories that originated 2000 years before Jesus was around, if he even existed"
Ok, so I probably pitched this a little high for a 5 year old, but to her credit she came back with:
"I know that Daddy, but I saw him, and I spoke to him. So he does exist"
Now my response to this was probably not as intelligent. In fact it is probably more what I would expect from my daughter, having just taken a first class trip into the world of sarcasm recently, but I said, and I am quite embarrassed about this. I said:
"Whatever."
So there you go. My daughter believes in god. But what's more she believes that father Gerald is god. And I have no argument that she can understand. Any more than I can explain that inside every Tellytubby there is an under paid, under valued actor. So now that seed has been placed in her mind, through society and not through my teaching, I have to provide the balancing wheel, I will have to entertain her thoughts until such time as she can actually understand exactly what she has been told. Thank you to the School system.
Thanks for reading,
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
My idea for "Dragons Den"
Hi all,
I was sat watching "Dragons Den" the other day, I really like the idea of inventors doing their pitches to investors on telly, it tells you what people are thinking about, and what problems they are trying to solve. And there have been some crackers.
Like the woman who was trying to get £250,000 for personalised pants. Or the really geeky "man in a shed" engineer who had invented a radical new gearing system, and wanted a stupid amount of cash and wouldn't show anyone. Yeah. I can do that too.
"I've invented magic pixie dust,but I'm not going to show you how it works and you are not allowed to see it, give me large wodges of cash."
But I have stumbled upon a really good idea that no-one has thought of. It will make me richer than the dreams of Avarice. It is.......
I'm trying to build tension here, bear with me
.........
........
A satellite Navigation system...for trains!
Not so stupid, think about it. A plastic box with a gyroscope in and on that is an arrow that always points straight up. Then you record some voices to say at random intervals;
"In 200 yards, straight on"
"AH! But that won't work! What about when the train changes direction, and the driver has do go to the other end of the train?"
I don't hear you cry. Well, simple. He'll take the box with him, and when he gets to the other end of the train, he can put it on the dashboard or whatever they have on trains. The arrow will still point straight on, and the voice will still be correct! Cheap to manufacture, cheap to buy, and always accurate. I want £100,000 for 10% of my business "Pointless_gadgets.com"
Thanks for reading!
I was sat watching "Dragons Den" the other day, I really like the idea of inventors doing their pitches to investors on telly, it tells you what people are thinking about, and what problems they are trying to solve. And there have been some crackers.
Like the woman who was trying to get £250,000 for personalised pants. Or the really geeky "man in a shed" engineer who had invented a radical new gearing system, and wanted a stupid amount of cash and wouldn't show anyone. Yeah. I can do that too.
"I've invented magic pixie dust,but I'm not going to show you how it works and you are not allowed to see it, give me large wodges of cash."
But I have stumbled upon a really good idea that no-one has thought of. It will make me richer than the dreams of Avarice. It is.......
I'm trying to build tension here, bear with me
.........
........
A satellite Navigation system...for trains!
Not so stupid, think about it. A plastic box with a gyroscope in and on that is an arrow that always points straight up. Then you record some voices to say at random intervals;
"In 200 yards, straight on"
"AH! But that won't work! What about when the train changes direction, and the driver has do go to the other end of the train?"
I don't hear you cry. Well, simple. He'll take the box with him, and when he gets to the other end of the train, he can put it on the dashboard or whatever they have on trains. The arrow will still point straight on, and the voice will still be correct! Cheap to manufacture, cheap to buy, and always accurate. I want £100,000 for 10% of my business "Pointless_gadgets.com"
Thanks for reading!
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