Monday, 15 June 2009

Bumps in the night

Hi All,

God is it hot! Even if you don't move you end up sweating like an MP in the middle of an expenses scandal. Night times are the worst. I have had to take to sleeping stark bollock naked.
Too much information? Maybe, but you will need that vital information, so remember it well.

So there I am, tucked up in bed with a fan on desperately trying to sleep, and all is quiet. Until I hear a strange noise.
So I lie there, trying to think of what could possibly make the noise, and then it happens again.

Now I'm not paranoid, but I wasn't going to sleep, it was 3am I was hot and slightly pissed off so I thought I'd go and check it out. It was late, but that's no excuse for what I did.

I have in my possession a rather crappy air pistol, and for some reason I really wasn't thinking. I put my glasses on so I could see better in the complete darkness that pervades my house grabbed my pistol and carefully went out onto the landing.

I don't know how you are supposed to do this. Creeping around your own house holding a pistol. I mean, I've played FPS's and even watched some James Bond films, so I know roughly what you are supposed to do, so I start covering corners and doing judo rolls across the landing.

No-one there. I stand there on the landing for a second listening. Nothing. I hear some scratching.

Ok, so there is something downstairs scratching around. Time to look around.

I creep slowly down the stairs, and I can see a light flashing through the glazed doors to my lounge. I creep some more, until I get to the bottom of the stairs.

So there I am, breathing quietly, trying to be just another shadow in the hallway. Timing my moment. Ready to take on anything that is in the lounge. My lounge.

I take the safety off my pistol, and I'm ready.

I wait...


I burst through the door, looking for the light source that was shining through my lounge doors. I find it and fire. Once, twice 3 times, aiming slightly lower so I don't accidentally kill my target.

That's when I realise that I had changed the alert on my msn. That's when I realise where the flashing and the light is coming from. That's when I realise I had just put 3 metal ball bearings into my coffee cup. Smashing it completely.

And now I feel stupid, and I just stand there, stunned.

My partner comes down the stairs and asks what I am doing standing, stark naked, in the lounge at 3 o' clock in the morning, doing terrible James Bond impressions, shooting coffee cups?

I didn't have the heart to tell her. I told her I was just filled with hate and needed to take it out on something.

She asked, why the coffee cup?

I said, I hate the cup.

She went to bed then shaking her head in a "We'll have to put him in a home sooner than we think" kind of way.

And the scratching noise?

That was the hamster.

Thanks for reading,

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Flouridation, mass medication...for the masses

Hi all,

Look, I know its been a while, but it's not like I can write every week is it? I mean, I go to work, come home, drink beer, have a wank, go to bed, get up, go to work, realise it's Saturday, go home....etc...but to be honest all the news stories have been along the lines of "Dog bites man". There's nothing there I can write about, it happens all the time. "Man bites Dog" stories are cool, but unfortunately are a bit obvious to be remotely interesting to write about. What I look for are stories that can be quite interesting. So I found one.

In the Southampton area (in England this is) they are going to be introducing fluoride into our water supply so our kids can have impeccable teeth. Not a bad thing in essence, the UK has an international stereotype of bad teeth, but what the idiots in charge don't realise is that this is a bad thing.

On the back of every toothpaste tube is a warning about not swallowing the actual paste if we can help it. We are told that in sufficiently high doses it is fatal. We are told to only use a pea size amount so to avoid this. But, with their new scheme they are going to introduce a poison into our water supply. We have had the public meetings and things but we have been ignored.

Weirdly I am not saying we should not have something like this introduced to our diet. What I am going to suggest is a slight modification.

The kids who really need this tend not to drink water unless it is carbonated and mixed with a vegetable syrup and a rather potent acid. What we should be doing then is quite simple.

The kids who don't drink thing like bubbly acid, or have a controlled amount tend to be the most...cared for kids. They don't require the extra fluoride. The kids who do drink something that looks like it came from a bottle in Frankensteins castle do. So why can't we put fluoride in Pepsi, Cola, 7up and all the other horrific drinks out there.

Problem solved really. No-one is getting the "medicine" for no reason. The kids who need it are getting it, and they'll never notice due to the huge amount of saccharine in the drink, and the kids who don't, won't get it at all, and neither will I.

Thanks for reading,

In fact that's lame.

Why don't the government just Fuck off?
I'm fucking fed up about trying to make the mediocre interesting, and that's all we are being fed by the government.
They spend our money on shit, we didn't vote the bastard in charge in, and he's Scottish, he's got his own sodding country to run now, you don't see an Englishman in Scottish parliament do you?
Leave our lives alone. We have nothing to be proud of in this country any more.
Instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on toilet seats, CCTV and other bullshit, why can't we have something really nice to go and visit?
Not the millenium dome, that was crap. But a really nice building that echo's the thoughts of the nation. Why not fill that building with everything that it means to be British? Maybe even a tribute to the garden shed, where all the best things are invented. Fill it with IK Brunel, fill it with railways, fill it with the Royal Navy, the Army and even the RAF. Fill it with Concord the Harrier Jump Jet and Aston Martins. Fill it with tea and strawberries and cream. Fill it with the Union Jack and late night curries. Fill it with patriotism and the need to expand our horizons. Fill it with euphamisms and talking over the garden fence. Hell even fill it with Tim bloody Henman.

Make me proud to be a Brit. Don't make me feel like I have to admit it.

Thanks for reading,