Monday, 29 December 2008

Christmas fitness

Hi All,

I work in IT, its an indoor job so no heavy lifting, but it does mean if you don't watch your pie intake you do start to put the weight on. So I headed off down to ASDA and there are just tons of celebs that have done their own keep fit video just in time for christmas - wierd that, bringing out a fitness dvd before christmas, who's going to actually do the video? you've got your hands full of turkey sandwiches, grease and roast potatoes and far too much lager. You probably couldn't even move your finger towards the remote control, I spend the whole of November training squirrels for this very reason.

Anyway, I found the DVD I wanted, and I thought to myself, "Now that's the body that I want, I want to look like that, and I'll do the dvd every day for a decade to get it, if I have to, if I have to cycle to the moon and back I'll do it" I've been doing this dvd for just over a fucking year now, and I still haven't got Davinas tits.

Looks like I'll have to start rubbing my chest with toilet roll for the next 5 years to make my chest bigger, after all, its worked on my arse for the last 20 odd years.

Thanks for reading

Monday, 22 December 2008

So this is Christmas?

Hi All,

First up Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all. Now on with the diatribe....

It must be Christmas! You can tell just by watching telly, or listening to the radio for all those repeat hits from 30 odd years ago, or walking round your home town, looking at the absolutely pointless, useless, glittering, power-eating, half dead, pigeon-shit infested, glittery, building appendages, cunningly called "decorations" so that the council can be proud of them.

But, above all this it's the adverts isn't it? I'm not talking about the toy ones, although they can Fuck Off for all I care. No. I'm talking about those sodding charity adverts. Bollocks to them. I do have a favourite one though. Adopt a Tiger. Yes, I want some of that action! I want to ring them and say:
"Yes! I'd love to adopt a Tiger...donation? Yeah, put me down for a tenner, now....when are you going to deliver it?"
and just wait for their response.

Or there's that other one....Sponsor a Dog. Why? What the fuck is a dog going to do that I would want to sponsor it? Skydive? Actually that I'd pay to see, especially if it has spectacularly long ears. But you see my point. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean that I am more likely to put my hand in my pocket. I'll give when I want to, to the causes I want to support. I don't need a guilt trip advert about some Pandas who have been abused. We know these Pandas are out there. We know they need help, and when I have a few quid I'll give some money, but I'm certainly not going to if 5 seperate fucking charities continue to force-feed me guilt-trips in the middle of "Blackadders Christmas Carol".

So I'll give these charities a tip, free of charge. Stuff your ads up your arse until after Christmas when everyone is bloated with pies, and have had enough of presents. Then ask them for cash and presents that they don't want so you can sell them on Ebay or something.
Actually, here is a better plan. A new governmental fund. It is completely up to you whether you donate or not. When you donate it goes into a big box that is only used for charities. Then the government can jolly out the money to the most needy causes. That way we only have 1 charity for looking after kids, 1 for animals, 1 for homeless people and maybe one for the elderly. Any other countries problems can come last in my book. Charity begins at home. And that's how it should be.

Anyway, thanks for reading and have a very Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

IQ and bodies.

Hi All,

Tonight I have made a monumental breakthrough. This is big, this is bigger than big. This is massive.

There is a direct correlation between the angle of your body, the angle of your knee joint and IQ.

It's true, there are no two ways about it. Think about it for a second. As we evolved, we became more clever and then after a couple of thousand years we are now able to walk upright. But thats evolution over many years, so how can I prove it for anybody, right now? It's really simple.
It is all to do with the way you stand. Each of us should have engrained in us that picture of the passage of man, where the monkey turns into somebody who works in an office, I am not sure if monkeys would be proud of this but there we go. At least we get to sit in the warm drinking coffee, while they sit in a tree eating bananas for free, and they dont have mortgages on the tree, and they dont have to pay for the bananas. But we are better off. Obviously.

Anyway, IQ is linked to how you stand and it'll be easier if you actually try this too. Let's say you are a retard (for the purposes of this exercise), with an IQ of 90. So bend your body in 90 degrees (bow basically). Now bend your knees so they are at 90 degrees too. Congratualtions. Knuckles on the floor are they for more support? Look like a Neanderthal? There you go!

Now the next bit, a friend of mine pointed out that IQ also relates to speech, namely in that the pitch, vocabulary and volume, also match the IQ number. So let's take your average stupid person with an IQ of 90. Unfortunately you won't be able to pitch your voice at 90Hz so go as low as you can, and also you need to speak at 90 decibels. As you are stupid and only have a vocabulary of 90 words, most of them will be "What?". So as you are down there, try it.

Ask a friend or anyone in the office or walking past what you look like, chances are they'll say:

"You look like a retard"

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Kids stories dumbing down

Hi all,

I was reading to my kids before they went to bed last night and I chose one of their books from the library. Libraries are morgues of paper, all those dusty books, placed on shelves, their names barely visible until you scrape the dust and cobwebs of years from their covers. Then the gleaming realisation that you have found a long lost friend.

Anyway, We got them The 3 Little Pigs which has been retold, as it were, by someone called Ian Beck. This probably isn't his real name as publishers like authors first names to be shorter than their surnames so they look better when titled. I digress. What I would like to draw your attention to, is page 6.

"The second little pig met a man who was carrying sticks. 'Excuse me', he asked, 'would you give me those sticks so I may build myself a house?'
'Of course,' replied the man, 'I've forgotten why I was carrying them in the first place.'

So this pig had found a bloke carrying enough sticks to build a house, and he had forgotten why he was carrying them! I'm sure if I was carrying enough sticks to build a house I'd bloody remember why I was carrying. No. What the mans reply should have been was this:

'Of course, well spoken pig. Your reward for learning the English language in such an eloquent manner shall be these sticks I am carrying for no particular reason, and my role as a plot device is now over.' The man then vanished in a puff of brightly coloured illustration.

I think that if stories are going to be blatantly dumbed down for kids they need some kind of explanation. Otherwise in future the kids will think that adults carry stuff for no reason at all in case that homeless pigs may need the materials for a nice detached house in the Lake District.

In future I shall be vetting these story books to avoid all these problems.

Thanks for reading!