Saturday, 28 March 2009

Monitors provide tan

Hi all,

Here is a news bulletin for you, from the BBC:

'Computer tan' website scores hit

Ok so here's the story, 1 million people have been online to a website and downloaded software that they believed would give them a 5 minute tan.

Now I'm not sure what is worse here to be honest. The fact the website is, in effect, mis-advertising their product. Or that 1 million people believed that their PC monitor could give them a tan. I wouldn't mind but these are probably the same million people that bitched about fucking mobile phone towers irradiating their faces.

How stupid are these people? I always used to go by the phrase;

"Half the people you meet are below average intelligence"

But now I'm going to go with;

"Half the people are average meat, and have no intelligence."

Not worth talking to, not even worth eating, they'd probably be really stringy and horrible.

Did they really think that their monitors would get past ECC, BSI and other health and safety Euro-rulings if with a simple piece of software they could emit UV intense enough it'd burn you?

Were these people so ridiculously retarded as to believe that all hardware supported this functionality and no-one had noticed before?

Unfortunately though, I bet these wankers are clever enough to create a law-suit asking why this isn't possible when the website clearly said it could be done.

Stupid bastards. Mind you, maybe they have an excuse. After all, judging by the area this story is based in, inbreeding does have an effect in some ways.


Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Google knows...that is all

Hi all,
There is a stirring in the force, a change in the world, something is affecting people through the interweb. It is affecting everyone.People who have never been on the internet are now going online to look at pictures.

And what are these pictures of? Where have they come from? Who took them? Do you really want to know? Do you want to know that badly? Do you really want to know the truth?

I'll tell's Google.

Google have been to your house. They have been to your mums house. They have even been to your Nan's house. They have pictures of your dad in a hat. They know where you live!

But why do you care?

Seriously, I don't have figures to support this, but apparently 117% of people in the "Googled" cities, in the UK, have been online in the last fortnight checking out the pictures of their house. Quick tip for you, open your front door, go outside, turn around. See that? See that building? That's your fucking house. It's been there all along.

What so special about it being "online"?

Tell you what, go back outside with a camera, turn around, see that building? Take a picture. Run back indoors and upload it.

There you go. Your house, on the tubes. Now stop fucking boasting that your house is on the internet and mine isn't. Mine would be too if I could be arsed, and no, I'm not jealous honest.

Thanks for reading,

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Drinking like it's 2003

Hi all,
I tried an experiment at the weekend. I was at someone's 21st birthday party, so I decided to party like I was 21. Here's a tip.


If you have already been through all that heavy drinking stuff, with the shots of different coloured liquor and wierd things that taste like mouthwash, and you haven't done it in quite some time, then don't try it. Don't even think to yourself that you can. YOU CAN'T.

I was drunk. Now I'm not talking the kind of drunk where you know how to spell your name on the third attempt. I mean absolutely smashed. The beer fairies got me home, you know who you are, and I love you too.

I was so smashed that I have memories of thinking I had more legs than a camel. If you have ever seen a Camel get around you'd know why this was a problem. Camels can't cope with four legs, let alone a spider embarrassing 14. People have said that I looked, shall we say, awkward getting out the back of a Micra. To them I say...


Why is it that alcohol affects your brain? I'd much rather a drink that was much more specific than all encompassing brain failure. How about a drink that when consumed gives you a blind spot for snacks. You have 5 shots of this stuff and all of a sudden all crisps, twiglets and sandwiches disappear.
Or a drink that makes you hear people talk like they were in the middle ages? That one would have its uses. Just drink 5 pints of the stuff before doing a Shakespeare essay. Sorted.

Now I'm not putting myself forward for testing, but trust me, there are plenty of 21 year olds out there who would be more than willing to try them, repeatedly, until they fail to remember how many limbs they have.

Thanks for reading,

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

He-Man is a Big, Gay, Nazi

I've been away, I've come back.

I was jailed for running a 90 year old granny over, but the jury weren't too bothered about that. They were bothered however by the 4 people carrying her coffin, that's the last time I drive in a cemetery.

Right, on with the show! He-Man, the 80's cartoon hero is up for a bashing. What a complete and utter gaylord.

"Ooh look at my big sword, I'll cut you"

He is the epitome of the muscly gay stereotype.


Waving his sword around. Who does he think he is? He is also a liar. You can tell he's gay by the way he tries to hide it by spending his time riding what can only be described as a giant pussy. Yeah mate, you have the power. Obviously.

Also if you watch the cartoons you'll notice he walks funny. Some say that its down to animation techniques available at the time. I say it's because his ass hurts too much.

He is also a blatant Nazi. Big, muscular blond haired and blue eyed bloke. With one hell of a schwerpunkt sword, and you can tell he's evil really because he lives in a place called "greyskull". Seriously, if you are a good guy you live in Acacia Avenue or something. Where did Banana-Man live? Danger Mouse? exactly. Not fucking 18 Greyskull Street, Deathsville.

"OOOh look I'm so hard, BY THE POWER OF FORESKIN!!! shit, GREYSKULL!"

I've had enough of him. The sooner people stop adding him to youtube the better.

Thanks for reading.