Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Childrens Stories 2!

Hi All,

Due to the success of the last one, I have written a new one!

Childrens Stories 2!

Once upon a Tuesday, around 10am, there was a boy called Jack who lived in a council estate in Peckham. His mother didn't work at all and spent all their benefits on Gin. Occasionally on Vodka, but mainly on Gin.

One day she slurred

"Brian, Brian, Come here"

"It's Jack, Mum. I was named after my father"

"I think I know who your Father was, boy"

She sighed, and several of the house plants that were on their last legs dissolved. Even the cat decided he'd had enough and stumbled out of the door

"Listen Brian, errm, Tony? err, Martin, Roy..."


"Jack, I know who your Father was thank you!" She breathed angrily,
"I want you to sell the old rusty Ford Fiesta down the car market"

"Not old Bessy mum?"

"Yes, Bessy. Take her and sell her, I need some more Gin, now piss off"

So Jack grabbed his hoody and got into Bessy. The car wasn't taxed, and he wasn't insured, apparently the insurance companies take a dim view of 12 year olds driving, and off he went.

15 miles away, vertically, the Giant was in "The Grimm brothers brothel and ale house"

"Hey Guys, check this out, a Magic Harp, watch this"

"It's bloody clockwork mate, we saw you wind it up"

"Nah it's not, look it's playing all by itself"

"It's fake mate, this is as bad as that 'Goose that laid golden eggs' you brought in. How you got that much gold leaf up its ass I don't know, and you didn't have to squeeze it that hard either"

"Bugger off then, I'll have a pint of 'Old Beanstalk'"
he said to the barman.

Jack was doing a ton down the M1, the bald tyres screeching down the road. Smoke was pouring out the engine bay, but he had to sell the car. He was listening to some R&B his cousin, or his brother, or one of his many suspected fathers had left in there. All of a sudden there was a flash of blue lights behind him.

"Shit, Police"

Jack floored it but it was at that moment the clutch gave out and the car came to a grinding, rusty, halt in the fast lane (causing all 3 lanes of the M1 to be closed and 13 miles of tailbacks which weren't cleared for another 6 excrutiatingly long hours).

The Police took him down the Nick. They immediately threw the book at him. Banned from driving for 2 months and a £20 fine. Then they crushed Bessie.
Jack was angry. He hadn't managed to sell the car, and all he got was a lousy piece of paper telling him how shit he was at driving. He went home.

"Where's my fucking Gin you useless wanker"
Shouted his mum, killing next doors dog with her alchoholic facial eminations
"I got arrested and they crushed the car"
"Get out of my house!" She screamed

When Jack had come round after his body had recovered from the toxic fumes, he found himself in the garden. He threw his ASBO into the bushes and climbed into his room through the open window and went into a troubled sleep. Little did he know what surprise would await him.

The Giant was well into his cups, the barman had kicked him out and he stumbled back to his castle in the sky. He found the going really difficult, pissed, weighing in at nearly 2 Tonnes, walking on a cloud. He got to his castle and tried to get his keys in the door. He failed. Then he placed a fat digit just underneath the lock and ran the key along his finger. The key went straight in. The giant fell into his castle and into a deep slumber.

Jack(Brian?) woke up very, very early in the afternoon. He looked out of his window and was greated with a magnificent sight. The ASBO must have picked something up at the station, because greeting him was a massive plant, with leaves of a very particular shape. Jack jumped out of his window and climbed up the plant. After just 10 minutes he was really high, but still only 15 feet off the ground. He kept going until he reached the top.
There was cloud as far as he could see apart from this huge castle that seemed to dominate this misty landscape. He ran towards it, then, when he was out of breath, walked towards it. Then he stopped for a bit. Then he carried on.
When he arrived at the castle the door was open. Jack walked around the giant and then stopped. He heard a strange noise. It was like R&B but with an actual tune. He saw the Harp and slipped it out of the Giants pocket. Then he went into the kitchen.

"look at that Goose!" he said to himself, "Think how many turkey twizzlers I could get outta that"

Jack hadn't really attended school much, which explains a lot. He only went to school when he was hungry, which was every Thurday before the benefits were paid in on the Friday.

He grabbed the Goose and ran, kicking the Giant on the way out.

"OI! thats my bloody harp and goose that is!"
The Giant, rather coherently shouted and ran groggily after Jack.

He caught him, took him down to ground level and called the police.

The police were amazing, little more than a week had gone by before they turned up. The Giant handed Jack over to them.

"He bloody burgled me, the little bastard"

"Allegedly, sir, allegedly"

"There's no allegedly about it, I know he's a bastard, have you met his mum?"

The police looked at each other, for slightly longer than either of them were confortable with.

"I bloody watched him burgle me!" the Giant said, getting back to the matter in hand

"Allegedly, sir, allegedly watched him. By the way, where are you from exactly?"

"Up there" said the Giant, pointing upwards.

"And have you got any ID or a British Passport?"

"What? No, course not, I'm a sodding Giant. It's not as if you can miss me is it?"

The police went back to their car and made a call. They came back.

"Excuse me sir, how did you enter the country? Gatwick?"

"No, I climbed down a massive cannabis plant and ended up here"

"There's no need to be like that, sir"

The Giant protested that it was true

"Right that'll do, you are coming with us, section 53 of the being overly sarcastic to a police officer while he is attempting to do his duty....act, law"

2 weeks later Jack and the Giant were at court.

The Judge stood and addressed the crowd:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby declare that Jack (or Tony) is innocent of burglary. As the Giant cannot prove within the laws of physics how, not just himself, but a whole castle, can be held up in the sky by nothing more than a poxy cloud, there cannot physically be any place of residence owned by said Giant that can, in actual fact, be burgled"

The judge took a deep breath in, praying that his next sentance was better punctuated.

"Furthermore, we are going to jail said Giant under the charge of entering the country illegally"
The crowd gasped at this; surely that is a seperate charge and should be dealt with seperately by the immigration officials?

The giant screamed "He nicked my bloody Goose that lays golden eggs!"
"Ah yes," said the Judge "The RSPCA also have an interest in speaking to you, case dismissed"

We return to Jack 5 years later. He is now living in his Mums house on his own. He has done wonders with it. The cat is back and he has new houseplants. He wears a suit most of the time, and he barely has to lift a finger for a generous income. The plant in the garden? Well it got a lot shorter when he wanted an extension on his house and a new BMW.

Thanks for reading,