Saturday, 18 April 2009

"I want my privacy!" Screams man with blog

Hi all,

So, there I was. Sat at work without a care in the world. Actually that's a lie, there were several cares, but that's work for you.
Anyhew, there I was sat at work with...some...cares in the world when I read a story about some group of people who are trying to protect my privacy.

Now these people are supposed to be fairly intelligent as they spotted that the government are trying to create an uber-database with all our personal details, all our medical history, all our tax/benefits information, all our beliefs and what we do in our spare time, absolutely everything, on.

Now I have always supported these pro-privacy people, not financially, just in spirit, because I like the idea of me having a private life that the government doesn't know about. Why should a bunch of unelected (yes, I said it, and it's true) arseholes have the ability to see what I do on a Saturday between 9 and 10pm? Hell, half the time I don't remember what I was doing between 9 and 10pm on a Saturday night.

But anyway, I was invited by these pro-privacy people to fill in a petition against a national database and ID card system. Not a bad idea, until you realise what this involves. They wanted me, to write my name, address, and put my signature on a form saying "I like to keep things from the government", which they were going to the government!

These pro-privacy people obviously think that irony is a description of a 10oz rust steak served in an iron bru gravy. Whoever thought of that petition idea needs shooting, but unfortunately I can't seem to find their details anywhere.

Thanks for reading,

Friday, 10 April 2009

Because you're worth it

Hi all,

I have seen the future. It is bleak.

Corporations are trying to kill the human species. We have "2nd Life" taking away personal human interaction. We have Facebook doing the same. We have World of Warcraft giving people a virtual social life with people all over the planet, with people they will never meet.

And now I have realised a shocking truth.

Make up companies are taking what little human interaction we have with each other and are destroying it. What apparently attracts us men to the opposite sex is what is going to destroy the human race forever.

The 2 main adverts I have seen for makeup recently have been for Mascara and Lipstick. This is deadly serious! These 2 products more than any other are going to destroy the human race. The adverts for Mascara over the past few years have been to further increase and enhance the size of your eyelashes. Up to 324x their normal length.

It is the same with lipstick too. Increasing the appearance of fuller lips. Can't you see where this is going? I believe, with the speed research is going, we have less than a decade before women have the facial features of a Camel.

And who is going to want to ask that out? We men already have issues when we see Camel toes on a woman, let alone a Camels face! There is one other way this could go. This is just as bad. With the advances in foundation technology giving women a smoother looking complexion, again with the really long eyelashes and lips, the females of our species will look like Mrs Potato Head. Would you go out with that? NO!

So this is it. 10 years. I give it a decade and then there will be no more breeding humans. Half will be behind a monitor the other half will look like Camels. And if you do go out your other half will be a camel. The only difference being the location of the humps.

Thanks for reading, because you are worth it.

Monday, 6 April 2009

The battle of the Vegetables

Hi all,

Interesting times are afoot! As you all know, I am a fan of growing my own cat toilet. Well, after several weeks I have finally found something to keep the furry little shits away from my veggie patch. Netting. Seems cats don't like netting.

But I have an additional issue now. You see I am already 5 weeks into the growing season and I have a huge gap where some of my veggies used to be. I'm not happy about this. At all.

But I found something can can give me a head start on regrowing my poor garden, and these plants are really hardy. They will grow in temperatures of anywhere between 0 and 5 degrees centigrade. However, you cannot get these from garden centres. In fact garden centres would even say that it would be impossible to grow these plants in these conditions.

What I am saying is that if you get your vegetables from Morrisons and put them in your fridge, within 2 days you will probably be eaten, "Day of the Triffid" style.

I have never seen anything like it. I bought some red peppers and some garlic a couple of days ago, and sure enough when I opened the door the peppers grabbed my arms and the garlic made a break for the back door. They didn't escape though as the onions and Sugarsnap peas came to my aid. The fight was horrific, but it did save me cutting everything up for my stir fry, and the survivors are planted in my veggie patch. So in a way we're all winners.

Thanks for reading,