Sunday, 27 September 2009

Kids Stories, so how hard can it be?

Hi All,

I was sat reading some crappy kids stories the other night, when I difficult can it be to write a story for a 6-9 year old? So, here it is.

There was once a fairy princess.

Her name was Emily.

Well, she wanted to be called Emily, but her real name was Jessica

She had 3 legs, and one arm, which stuck vertically out of her head.

This made it very awkward to get her crown on in the mornings.

One day, she left the Castle in search of the Great Chicken, who had the power of seeing rhubarb at a great distance.

She knew he lived in the forest of Niggy Niggy Noo. Just past the old tree stump. On the A303.

She entered the dark, dank forest. She came out of the forest and went back in again, it was still dark and dank. It was an enchanted forest, that had the ability to induce amnesia in people. The local townsfolk who entered the forest often forgot where they parked.

She crept through the undergrowth. Her dress caught on twigs and brambles and badgers.

After a while she reached the old tree stump. There was a mushroom on it. Suddenly, the mushroom jumped up. It was a magic mushroom. And it said:

"OI! what is a fairy princess doing out here, in a forest, just off the A303?"

"I am a fairy princess," said the fairy princess

The mushroom stared at her. "Really?" it said.

"Yes and I am seeking the Great Chicken, who has the power to see rhubarb at a great distance. Now stop looking at me fungi"

"Blimey," said the magic mushroom, "Well he's over there, but he's asleep"

"Cheers mate" said the fairy princess and off she went. Dragging several bushes and a confused badger behind her.

She saw the Great Chicken. He was lying down, snoring.

"Yoohoo!" Said the fairy princess.

The Chicken didn't move.

"YOOHOO!!!" shouted the fairy princess.

The Chicken didn't move


The chicken jumped up

"Help me wok a noodle!" he screamed.

"terribly sorry old chap" said the fairy princess "But I need to find some rhubarb for tea."

"I'm afraid you've got the wrong chicken" said the Chicken, "the one you want is over there, I can't do anything right. I always get everything wrong."

"Fantastic" the fairy princess said. "I've walked all this way and I've found the wrong chicken, and he keeps putting himself down"

So she took the axe from her pocket and chopped his head off.

then she stuck him in the oven for an hour and a bit on gas mark 6. It turned out he was self depricating.

She tore the mushroom from the tree stump. Removed the great chicken out of the oven and ate him with the mushroom, as there was no cutlery available.

She went home to the castle. Smelling of chicken grease and badgers.

If you sniff carefully in a forest, around lunchtime, you can still smell the faint whiff of worried badgers. Often you will also find people who have forgotten where they have parked.

The End.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

My Blog: One year on

Hi All!

My blog is one year old!

So to celebrate and to mock in some fashion all those other blog type, video, tv efforts, I have decided to do some recaps, quotes and outtakes from the last 12 months.
Hope you enjoy them as much as I did writing them.

" the human body is 80% water, I can be anywhere between 4'3 and 6'2 depending on where the moon is."

"Now thats the body that I want! I want to look like that, and I'll do the dvd every day for a decade to get it if i have to, if i have to cycle to the moon and back I'll do it" Now I've been doing this
dvd now for fucking months, and i still havent got Davinas tits.

"I wear glasses and I've got a stupid goatee\beard thing going on. I am the geeks geek."

"Luckily we have something in our arsenal that Mexicans do not....Yakult"

"Muslim women don't have to wear that black royal mail letterbox outfit, it's just that they are also highly trained Ninjas"

"I am to biscuit barrels, as Harold Shipman was to old peoples homes."

"T = (Q + A) / B"

"Half the people are average meat, and have no intelligence."

"A guy was released in Hampshire after being wrongfully imprisoned for 27 years...the first show he saw on telly when he came out? You've been Framed"

"Quick tip for you, open your front door, go outside, turn around. See that? See that building? That's your fucking house. It's been there all along."


"He-man....What a complete and utter Gaylord"

"There was a guy who ended up sleeping on the streets and he spent most of his life searching for his real father. He was a poor bastard"

"ok Trev, this is a TV job, so have you got any experience appearing on camera"
"you are kidding right? This is London you prick, I've been on camera 300 times just getting here"

"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."

"If you drink tizer, your urine will look like this..."

"A satelite Navigation system...for trains!" - Actually additional to this...what if the train-driver goes on holiday, on a canal boat?

"I know! We'll cut them into squares! Shit it's been done"

"I spend the whole of november training squirrels for this very reason"

"Why not have a Large Monkey Collider (or LMC)? It's not the colliding bit I'm interested in really, but I am interested in the noise they'll make as they go round."

" I thought if I'm gonna break my resolution, I'm gonna do this properly I've held it for 2 years. There is no way I'll break it over something trivial, but now is the time. Look at her eyes Trev, you know that this is the time
so I looked deep into her eyes, and saw the love in them, and I took a deep breath and said "I resolve, from now until the end of time, to the end of my life, to the end of the universe, to stop drying my socks in the microwave"

"All things fall over if you hit them hard enough. Apart from Weebles."

Thank you to you all for reading over the past year, or if you've just started reading them, cool, but where the fuck have you been?