Bumps in the night

Hi All,

God is it hot! Even if you don't move you end up sweating like an MP in the middle of an expenses scandal. Night times are the worst. I have had to take to sleeping stark bollock naked.
Too much information? Maybe, but you will need that vital information, so remember it well.

So there I am, tucked up in bed with a fan on desperately trying to sleep, and all is quiet. Until I hear a strange noise.
So I lie there, trying to think of what could possibly make the noise, and then it happens again.

Now I'm not paranoid, but I wasn't going to sleep, it was 3am I was hot and slightly pissed off so I thought I'd go and check it out. It was late, but that's no excuse for what I did.

I have in my possession a rather crappy air pistol, and for some reason I really wasn't thinking. I put my glasses on so I could see better in the complete darkness that pervades my house grabbed my pistol and carefully went out onto the landing.

I don't know how you are supposed to do this. Creeping around your own house holding a pistol. I mean, I've played FPS's and even watched some James Bond films, so I know roughly what you are supposed to do, so I start covering corners and doing judo rolls across the landing.

No-one there. I stand there on the landing for a second listening. Nothing. I hear some scratching.

Ok, so there is something downstairs scratching around. Time to look around.

I creep slowly down the stairs, and I can see a light flashing through the glazed doors to my lounge. I creep some more, until I get to the bottom of the stairs.

So there I am, breathing quietly, trying to be just another shadow in the hallway. Timing my moment. Ready to take on anything that is in the lounge. My lounge.

I take the safety off my pistol, and I'm ready.

I wait...

Then...

I burst through the door, looking for the light source that was shining through my lounge doors. I find it and fire. Once, twice 3 times, aiming slightly lower so I don't accidentally kill my target.

That's when I realise that I had changed the alert on my msn. That's when I realise where the flashing and the light is coming from. That's when I realise I had just put 3 metal ball bearings into my coffee cup. Smashing it completely.

And now I feel stupid, and I just stand there, stunned.

My partner comes down the stairs and asks what I am doing standing, stark naked, in the lounge at 3 o' clock in the morning, doing terrible James Bond impressions, shooting coffee cups?

I didn't have the heart to tell her. I told her I was just filled with hate and needed to take it out on something.

She asked, why the coffee cup?

I said, I hate the cup.

She went to bed then shaking her head in a "We'll have to put him in a home sooner than we think" kind of way.

And the scratching noise?

That was the hamster.

Thanks for reading,