Friday, 27 August 2010

Old people - why?

Hi All,

Why is it the nearer to the end of your life you get, you slow down. Well, you do, you old bastard at Asda today. Why are you and your kindred wrinkly brethren queuing up in Asda at lunchtime? You can go at any other time of the day. Where else are you going to go?

Here is the problem, I had 20 minutes out of my busy schedule (being young and having fun) to run down to Asda and get some baccy. Travelling around by car at lunchtime is absolutely fine. Everyone under the age of 50 are all haring around at 50mph because they have better, more interesting things to do. I had no problems today and managed a mile a minute in the roads where I work, so I reached Asda in very good time.

I arrive at the store and find a massive queue.

"It's ok." I thought to myself "They will all be Yuppies and we'll get through in seconds"


The queue consisted of the kind of aged monstrosities that adverts in the back of the Daily Express are aimed at. People so wrinkly even facial features are lost in the caverness crevaces. People who have the whiff of Werthers Originals and bodily fluids about them. These...people were in the queue and they all had to have a 5 minute conversation with the cashier. After all, even though there are a coachload of people behind them of the same age, they need to have conversations with younger strangers who have no desire to speak to them, who have nothing of any joint interest and no need to see how many teeth they think they have left.

What annoyed me wasn't that they decided to all turn up at the same time, but it was the aged Yoda-ite in front of me.
He was wasting my time standing in a queue, having his time wasted, so he could buy a magazine that was purely designed to waste time. Not a crossword mag which at least may keep the old synapses firing, but a wordsearch magazine!

He was wasting my life, and his, deliberately, so he could go home and waste even more of his time.
For the love of smeg granddad, this could be your last 20 seconds left alive, and you are stood in a queue behind people, some of which are older than you and you are buying something to waste more of your valuable time.

Here's a tip for you old people.
Don't go shopping at lunchtime and the weekends, that's when we go shopping as we have to work. Go at other times during the day.
3 reasons:

1. The magazines turn up in the morning so there will be plenty of puzzle books.
2. If there is a queue, the only people there will be as old as you will, and if they die, that's one less person to serve before they get to you, and that may save your life.
3. Someone younger may save you all the effort of wasting your life on magazines and stab you.

The older you get, the faster you should move so you can appreciate the time you have left.
When I get old I am planning on plunging into the Sun at a million miles an hour. Why? Because it's a lot better than rotting in an armchair while looking for words joined to other words in a grid of words going nowhere at all.

Thanks for reading,

No comments: