Hi All,
Car accidents can be horrific. You can have serious damage done to your internal organs, broken bones, whiplash, cuts and bruises, psychological trauma and normally even a little knock can be quite debilitating.
A woman recently had a car crash, and it broke her nails for example. That doesn't sound that bad until you read on and the story says that these nails were mammoth, 2ft long, record breakers.
That woman holds the guinness world record for the longest fingernails in the world. Can you imagine a life where you can't type an email, open a jar of Branston Pickle, rub your eyes without removing one of them or unrolling toilet paper without automatically carving them into paperchain people? It must also have been a pain in other ways. You have probably experienced yourself when you have cut your fingernails and left a sticky out bit and that has got caught on something.
Well imagine if that "sticky out bit" is actually 2 and a half feet long! You could get them caught on Buses, cars, hot air ballons and passing tramps, let alone that special fluffy jumper you got for christmas. Can you imagine getting home at the end of the day and having to remove stray dogs, pigeons and squirrels and things that have got caught up in your hands? No, didn't think so.
Well, she had this car accident and I would understand at this point if she cried. She has lost her livelihood. But on the bright side she can now do all those things that she hasn't been able to do for the last 20 years. Normally these things are not without a sense of irony. I bet she is a natural touch typist, or she can play amazing piano. Or something.
But I do know this. She is the only person in the world who has had a car accident and has actually come off physically better. That's more than lucky.
thanks for reading.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Dear god,
Hi all,
I am not what you would call a religious man. You would probably call me a lot of things, some of them rather rude maybe, but not one of them would be religious. In fact there is nothing more strange for me than spending several hours of everyday worshipping what actually amounts to be a fairy.
But in my happy Atheist world there is a problem. My daughter's school took my daughter (and others, it wasn't a special indoctrination trip) to church.
Now due to the quirks of a 5 year old's brain she has got it into her head that the priest, or vicar, storyteller if you will, is, in actual fact, god. This doesn't seem to be a problem until you try to explain it in from an atheist point of view. Here is roughly how the conversation went.
"Daddy, I went to church today and saw god"
"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."
"That's the vicar, my angel"
"No Daddy, it's god."
"God doesn't exist, some people believe he does, but I don't"
"But..I SAW him"
"Sweetheart, you can't have seen 'god' because he is an anthropomorphic personification of natural forces, and the stories of his alter ego, Jesus are an amalgamation of stories that originated 2000 years before Jesus was around, if he even existed"
Ok, so I probably pitched this a little high for a 5 year old, but to her credit she came back with:
"I know that Daddy, but I saw him, and I spoke to him. So he does exist"
Now my response to this was probably not as intelligent. In fact it is probably more what I would expect from my daughter, having just taken a first class trip into the world of sarcasm recently, but I said, and I am quite embarrassed about this. I said:
"Whatever."
So there you go. My daughter believes in god. But what's more she believes that father Gerald is god. And I have no argument that she can understand. Any more than I can explain that inside every Tellytubby there is an under paid, under valued actor. So now that seed has been placed in her mind, through society and not through my teaching, I have to provide the balancing wheel, I will have to entertain her thoughts until such time as she can actually understand exactly what she has been told. Thank you to the School system.
Thanks for reading,
I am not what you would call a religious man. You would probably call me a lot of things, some of them rather rude maybe, but not one of them would be religious. In fact there is nothing more strange for me than spending several hours of everyday worshipping what actually amounts to be a fairy.
But in my happy Atheist world there is a problem. My daughter's school took my daughter (and others, it wasn't a special indoctrination trip) to church.
Now due to the quirks of a 5 year old's brain she has got it into her head that the priest, or vicar, storyteller if you will, is, in actual fact, god. This doesn't seem to be a problem until you try to explain it in from an atheist point of view. Here is roughly how the conversation went.
"Daddy, I went to church today and saw god"
"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."
"That's the vicar, my angel"
"No Daddy, it's god."
"God doesn't exist, some people believe he does, but I don't"
"But..I SAW him"
"Sweetheart, you can't have seen 'god' because he is an anthropomorphic personification of natural forces, and the stories of his alter ego, Jesus are an amalgamation of stories that originated 2000 years before Jesus was around, if he even existed"
Ok, so I probably pitched this a little high for a 5 year old, but to her credit she came back with:
"I know that Daddy, but I saw him, and I spoke to him. So he does exist"
Now my response to this was probably not as intelligent. In fact it is probably more what I would expect from my daughter, having just taken a first class trip into the world of sarcasm recently, but I said, and I am quite embarrassed about this. I said:
"Whatever."
So there you go. My daughter believes in god. But what's more she believes that father Gerald is god. And I have no argument that she can understand. Any more than I can explain that inside every Tellytubby there is an under paid, under valued actor. So now that seed has been placed in her mind, through society and not through my teaching, I have to provide the balancing wheel, I will have to entertain her thoughts until such time as she can actually understand exactly what she has been told. Thank you to the School system.
Thanks for reading,
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
My idea for "Dragons Den"
Hi all,
I was sat watching "Dragons Den" the other day, I really like the idea of inventors doing their pitches to investors on telly, it tells you what people are thinking about, and what problems they are trying to solve. And there have been some crackers.
Like the woman who was trying to get £250,000 for personalised pants. Or the really geeky "man in a shed" engineer who had invented a radical new gearing system, and wanted a stupid amount of cash and wouldn't show anyone. Yeah. I can do that too.
"I've invented magic pixie dust,but I'm not going to show you how it works and you are not allowed to see it, give me large wodges of cash."
But I have stumbled upon a really good idea that no-one has thought of. It will make me richer than the dreams of Avarice. It is.......
I'm trying to build tension here, bear with me
.........
........
A satellite Navigation system...for trains!
Not so stupid, think about it. A plastic box with a gyroscope in and on that is an arrow that always points straight up. Then you record some voices to say at random intervals;
"In 200 yards, straight on"
"AH! But that won't work! What about when the train changes direction, and the driver has do go to the other end of the train?"
I don't hear you cry. Well, simple. He'll take the box with him, and when he gets to the other end of the train, he can put it on the dashboard or whatever they have on trains. The arrow will still point straight on, and the voice will still be correct! Cheap to manufacture, cheap to buy, and always accurate. I want £100,000 for 10% of my business "Pointless_gadgets.com"
Thanks for reading!
I was sat watching "Dragons Den" the other day, I really like the idea of inventors doing their pitches to investors on telly, it tells you what people are thinking about, and what problems they are trying to solve. And there have been some crackers.
Like the woman who was trying to get £250,000 for personalised pants. Or the really geeky "man in a shed" engineer who had invented a radical new gearing system, and wanted a stupid amount of cash and wouldn't show anyone. Yeah. I can do that too.
"I've invented magic pixie dust,but I'm not going to show you how it works and you are not allowed to see it, give me large wodges of cash."
But I have stumbled upon a really good idea that no-one has thought of. It will make me richer than the dreams of Avarice. It is.......
I'm trying to build tension here, bear with me
.........
........
A satellite Navigation system...for trains!
Not so stupid, think about it. A plastic box with a gyroscope in and on that is an arrow that always points straight up. Then you record some voices to say at random intervals;
"In 200 yards, straight on"
"AH! But that won't work! What about when the train changes direction, and the driver has do go to the other end of the train?"
I don't hear you cry. Well, simple. He'll take the box with him, and when he gets to the other end of the train, he can put it on the dashboard or whatever they have on trains. The arrow will still point straight on, and the voice will still be correct! Cheap to manufacture, cheap to buy, and always accurate. I want £100,000 for 10% of my business "Pointless_gadgets.com"
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Jobs, personalities? what?
Hi all,
What kind of person are you? I bet that your personality matches the job you do, as long as your happy in it.If you like being outdoors, I bet that you work as one of those annoyingly upbeat people at those corporate team building exercise places. If you like working in a place with no atmosphere, you work as an astronaut or as a Little Chef cook. If you find that you are unhappy in your job, it probably isn't down to your boss, or your workload. It's probably down to the fact that your personality profile doesn't match your job.
Careers advisors always used to tell me that I was suitable for something strange and off the wall, like chicken mechanic. What the hell is a chicken mechanic? That's what you put on your wedding register, or if you get onto "Price is Right" or some other daytime TV rubbish. You don't say "Chicken dissector" or "chicken part relocator" do you?
But what I want to know is, what kind of personality do you have to have in order to work in the research and development lab for walkers crisps? Your only goal at the end of a 37.5 hour week is to make a potato more exciting. A potato. More exciting.
"I know we'll cut them into squares! shit it's been done"
If you do work in the R&D lab for walkers crisps, I'll save you 37.5 hour week, and I'll give you an idea that's bound to win.What is it that people really crave? Where do you buy crisps randomly? The pub! So what you need is lager and pork scratching flavour crisps. It's just an idea. That's all.
Thanks for reading
What kind of person are you? I bet that your personality matches the job you do, as long as your happy in it.If you like being outdoors, I bet that you work as one of those annoyingly upbeat people at those corporate team building exercise places. If you like working in a place with no atmosphere, you work as an astronaut or as a Little Chef cook. If you find that you are unhappy in your job, it probably isn't down to your boss, or your workload. It's probably down to the fact that your personality profile doesn't match your job.
Careers advisors always used to tell me that I was suitable for something strange and off the wall, like chicken mechanic. What the hell is a chicken mechanic? That's what you put on your wedding register, or if you get onto "Price is Right" or some other daytime TV rubbish. You don't say "Chicken dissector" or "chicken part relocator" do you?
But what I want to know is, what kind of personality do you have to have in order to work in the research and development lab for walkers crisps? Your only goal at the end of a 37.5 hour week is to make a potato more exciting. A potato. More exciting.
"I know we'll cut them into squares! shit it's been done"
If you do work in the R&D lab for walkers crisps, I'll save you 37.5 hour week, and I'll give you an idea that's bound to win.What is it that people really crave? Where do you buy crisps randomly? The pub! So what you need is lager and pork scratching flavour crisps. It's just an idea. That's all.
Thanks for reading
Friday, 9 January 2009
Olympic games, where's the dough?
Hi all,
I've just come across this golden nugget I'd like to share with you all. Now I hope your all sitting uncomfortably, because its going to get worse...the cost for the 8 minute segments for the handover ceremonies for the Olympic games came in at.....now I'll give you some time to have a guess..........
............
No, you're wrong...unless you've googled it already, but it comes in at 2.5 million quid. 2.5million quid for some dancers and Beckham to kick a football. But that leaves us with a problem. You see in the current economic slowdown, and predicted worldwide recession, that is quite a lot of money. You know its quite a lot of money because if you walked into your bank and said "I'd like to deposit 2.5 million quid, your bank manager would make love to you, and probably won't let you go until you know how to say "Yes, that' s lovely thank you, now let go of my leg" in every language your "local bank" understands.
So, they can't possibly cut down on spending on the opening and closing ceremonies, not after China, so they are going to have to cut down on spending in events. 100m sprints will be shortened to 80m, the high jump will only be done by hedge fund managers, and the hammer throw will be won by the Polish, who will, of course, still be building the Olympic Village.
But all is not lost! I have a solution. Instead of spending 100 billion quid, or whatever it is, on the Olympic village, put the money into local schools and they can host the events. Obviously the events will have to be changed slightly. The marathon will be 10 laps of the school field, it will have to be a 50m sprint, the 400m will be a 3 legged race and the relay will involve an egg and spoon. This would be no bad thing. It is really boring watching some already well known athletes doing predictably well in their chosen event but, like strictly come dancing, the viewing figures would be massive to see Dwain Chambers or someone trying to beat a record while trying to balance chicken ovulate on an eating implement.
Boris, if you are reading, get rid of bendy buses, then get on with speaking to the schools.
Thanks for reading
I've just come across this golden nugget I'd like to share with you all. Now I hope your all sitting uncomfortably, because its going to get worse...the cost for the 8 minute segments for the handover ceremonies for the Olympic games came in at.....now I'll give you some time to have a guess..........
............
No, you're wrong...unless you've googled it already, but it comes in at 2.5 million quid. 2.5million quid for some dancers and Beckham to kick a football. But that leaves us with a problem. You see in the current economic slowdown, and predicted worldwide recession, that is quite a lot of money. You know its quite a lot of money because if you walked into your bank and said "I'd like to deposit 2.5 million quid, your bank manager would make love to you, and probably won't let you go until you know how to say "Yes, that' s lovely thank you, now let go of my leg" in every language your "local bank" understands.
So, they can't possibly cut down on spending on the opening and closing ceremonies, not after China, so they are going to have to cut down on spending in events. 100m sprints will be shortened to 80m, the high jump will only be done by hedge fund managers, and the hammer throw will be won by the Polish, who will, of course, still be building the Olympic Village.
But all is not lost! I have a solution. Instead of spending 100 billion quid, or whatever it is, on the Olympic village, put the money into local schools and they can host the events. Obviously the events will have to be changed slightly. The marathon will be 10 laps of the school field, it will have to be a 50m sprint, the 400m will be a 3 legged race and the relay will involve an egg and spoon. This would be no bad thing. It is really boring watching some already well known athletes doing predictably well in their chosen event but, like strictly come dancing, the viewing figures would be massive to see Dwain Chambers or someone trying to beat a record while trying to balance chicken ovulate on an eating implement.
Boris, if you are reading, get rid of bendy buses, then get on with speaking to the schools.
Thanks for reading
Monday, 5 January 2009
New Years Resolutions
Hi all,
What is the point in new years resolutions?
Its just a good way of depressing yourself by February, and we've normally got bigger things to worry about. I worked it out a while ago though, I resolved never to make another new years resolution, and it was really cool for a couple years, then one year my missus and I are sat on the sofa and Big Ben did its 12 rings, and my missus looked into my eyes and said
"My new years resolution is to love you for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, I'll stay by you from now until the end, you make me complete"
I was stunned and overcome and she looked into my eyes searching for my reply, but I couldn't, because I resolved never to make another new years resolution.
So i thought if I'm gonna break my resolution I'm gonna do this properly I've held it for 2 years, there is no way I'll break it over something trivial, but now is the time. Look at her eyes Trev, you know that this is the time.
So I looked deep into her eyes, and saw the love in them, and I took a deep breath and said "I resolve, from now until the end of time, to the end of my life, to the end of the universe, to stop drying my socks in the microwave"
Thanks for reading
What is the point in new years resolutions?
Its just a good way of depressing yourself by February, and we've normally got bigger things to worry about. I worked it out a while ago though, I resolved never to make another new years resolution, and it was really cool for a couple years, then one year my missus and I are sat on the sofa and Big Ben did its 12 rings, and my missus looked into my eyes and said
"My new years resolution is to love you for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, I'll stay by you from now until the end, you make me complete"
I was stunned and overcome and she looked into my eyes searching for my reply, but I couldn't, because I resolved never to make another new years resolution.
So i thought if I'm gonna break my resolution I'm gonna do this properly I've held it for 2 years, there is no way I'll break it over something trivial, but now is the time. Look at her eyes Trev, you know that this is the time.
So I looked deep into her eyes, and saw the love in them, and I took a deep breath and said "I resolve, from now until the end of time, to the end of my life, to the end of the universe, to stop drying my socks in the microwave"
Thanks for reading
Monday, 29 December 2008
Christmas fitness
Hi All,
I work in IT, its an indoor job so no heavy lifting, but it does mean if you don't watch your pie intake you do start to put the weight on. So I headed off down to ASDA and there are just tons of celebs that have done their own keep fit video just in time for christmas - wierd that, bringing out a fitness dvd before christmas, who's going to actually do the video? you've got your hands full of turkey sandwiches, grease and roast potatoes and far too much lager. You probably couldn't even move your finger towards the remote control, I spend the whole of November training squirrels for this very reason.
Anyway, I found the DVD I wanted, and I thought to myself, "Now that's the body that I want, I want to look like that, and I'll do the dvd every day for a decade to get it, if I have to, if I have to cycle to the moon and back I'll do it" I've been doing this dvd for just over a fucking year now, and I still haven't got Davinas tits.
Looks like I'll have to start rubbing my chest with toilet roll for the next 5 years to make my chest bigger, after all, its worked on my arse for the last 20 odd years.
Thanks for reading
I work in IT, its an indoor job so no heavy lifting, but it does mean if you don't watch your pie intake you do start to put the weight on. So I headed off down to ASDA and there are just tons of celebs that have done their own keep fit video just in time for christmas - wierd that, bringing out a fitness dvd before christmas, who's going to actually do the video? you've got your hands full of turkey sandwiches, grease and roast potatoes and far too much lager. You probably couldn't even move your finger towards the remote control, I spend the whole of November training squirrels for this very reason.
Anyway, I found the DVD I wanted, and I thought to myself, "Now that's the body that I want, I want to look like that, and I'll do the dvd every day for a decade to get it, if I have to, if I have to cycle to the moon and back I'll do it" I've been doing this dvd for just over a fucking year now, and I still haven't got Davinas tits.
Looks like I'll have to start rubbing my chest with toilet roll for the next 5 years to make my chest bigger, after all, its worked on my arse for the last 20 odd years.
Thanks for reading
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