Kids Stories, so how hard can it be?

Hi All,

I was sat reading some crappy kids stories the other night, when I thought..how difficult can it be to write a story for a 6-9 year old? So, here it is.

There was once a fairy princess.

Her name was Emily.

Well, she wanted to be called Emily, but her real name was Jessica

She had 3 legs, and one arm, which stuck vertically out of her head.

This made it very awkward to get her crown on in the mornings.

One day, she left the Castle in search of the Great Chicken, who had the power of seeing rhubarb at a great distance.

She knew he lived in the forest of Niggy Niggy Noo. Just past the old tree stump. On the A303.

She entered the dark, dank forest. She came out of the forest and went back in again, it was still dark and dank. It was an enchanted forest, that had the ability to induce amnesia in people. The local townsfolk who entered the forest often forgot where they parked.

She crept through the undergrowth. Her dress caught on twigs and brambles and badgers.

After a while she reached the old tree stump. There was a mushroom on it. Suddenly, the mushroom jumped up. It was a magic mushroom. And it said:

"OI! what is a fairy princess doing out here, in a forest, just off the A303?"

"I am a fairy princess," said the fairy princess

The mushroom stared at her. "Really?" it said.

"Yes and I am seeking the Great Chicken, who has the power to see rhubarb at a great distance. Now stop looking at me fungi"

"Blimey," said the magic mushroom, "Well he's over there, but he's asleep"

"Cheers mate" said the fairy princess and off she went. Dragging several bushes and a confused badger behind her.

She saw the Great Chicken. He was lying down, snoring.

"Yoohoo!" Said the fairy princess.

The Chicken didn't move.

"YOOHOO!!!" shouted the fairy princess.

The Chicken didn't move

"YO! DICKHEAD!"

The chicken jumped up

"Help me wok a noodle!" he screamed.

"terribly sorry old chap" said the fairy princess "But I need to find some rhubarb for tea."

"I'm afraid you've got the wrong chicken" said the Chicken, "the one you want is over there, I can't do anything right. I always get everything wrong."

"Fantastic" the fairy princess said. "I've walked all this way and I've found the wrong chicken, and he keeps putting himself down"

So she took the axe from her pocket and chopped his head off.

then she stuck him in the oven for an hour and a bit on gas mark 6. It turned out he was self depricating.

She tore the mushroom from the tree stump. Removed the great chicken out of the oven and ate him with the mushroom, as there was no cutlery available.

She went home to the castle. Smelling of chicken grease and badgers.

If you sniff carefully in a forest, around lunchtime, you can still smell the faint whiff of worried badgers. Often you will also find people who have forgotten where they have parked.

The End.

Thanks for reading

My Blog: One year on

Hi All!

My blog is one year old!

So to celebrate and to mock in some fashion all those other blog type, video, tv efforts, I have decided to do some recaps, quotes and outtakes from the last 12 months.
Hope you enjoy them as much as I did writing them.


"...as the human body is 80% water, I can be anywhere between 4'3 and 6'2 depending on where the moon is."

"Now thats the body that I want! I want to look like that, and I'll do the dvd every day for a decade to get it if i have to, if i have to cycle to the moon and back I'll do it" Now I've been doing this
dvd now for fucking months, and i still havent got Davinas tits.

"I wear glasses and I've got a stupid goatee\beard thing going on. I am the geeks geek."

"Luckily we have something in our arsenal that Mexicans do not....Yakult"

"Muslim women don't have to wear that black royal mail letterbox outfit, it's just that they are also highly trained Ninjas"

"I am to biscuit barrels, as Harold Shipman was to old peoples homes."

"T = (Q + A) / B"

"Half the people are average meat, and have no intelligence."

"A guy was released in Hampshire after being wrongfully imprisoned for 27 years...the first show he saw on telly when he came out? You've been Framed"

"Quick tip for you, open your front door, go outside, turn around. See that? See that building? That's your fucking house. It's been there all along."

To them I say..."YOU TRY IT WITH 14 LEGS, SEE HOW FAR YOU GET!! YOU'D GET TRAPPED IN THE BACK TOO!"

"He-man....What a complete and utter Gaylord"

"There was a guy who ended up sleeping on the streets and he spent most of his life searching for his real father. He was a poor bastard"

"ok Trev, this is a TV job, so have you got any experience appearing on camera"
"you are kidding right? This is London you prick, I've been on camera 300 times just getting here"

"god doesn't exist sweetheart."
"yes he does, he's slightly shorter than you and wears a dress."

"If you drink tizer, your urine will look like this..."

"A satelite Navigation system...for trains!" - Actually additional to this...what if the train-driver goes on holiday, on a canal boat?

"I know! We'll cut them into squares! Shit it's been done"

"I spend the whole of november training squirrels for this very reason"

"Why not have a Large Monkey Collider (or LMC)? It's not the colliding bit I'm interested in really, but I am interested in the noise they'll make as they go round."

"...so I thought if I'm gonna break my resolution, I'm gonna do this properly I've held it for 2 years. There is no way I'll break it over something trivial, but now is the time. Look at her eyes Trev, you know that this is the time
so I looked deep into her eyes, and saw the love in them, and I took a deep breath and said "I resolve, from now until the end of time, to the end of my life, to the end of the universe, to stop drying my socks in the microwave"

"All things fall over if you hit them hard enough. Apart from Weebles."


Thank you to you all for reading over the past year, or if you've just started reading them, cool, but where the fuck have you been?

Trev

The TV tax. What does it do for me?

Hi all,

There is absolutely nothing on telly. Well, nothing worth watching anyway, and as I am a resident of the UK I pay the BBC tax, the Television License.

I subscribe to Sky too, so I get approximately 5 billion channels. All of these broadcast total shite. Or if it's not total shite, it's the total shite that was offered to you in the previous hour.
What I will be doing though is going to one of these "+1" channels when the clocks go back. Just to see if it creates a hole in the space time continuum.

But anyway, scanning through the seemingly endless screens offering the equivalent of piercing my eyeballs with a spanner for an hour I discovered "Street Doctors". This is a tad scary.
Basically the BBC has paid for some real GP's to go out stalking and hunting for ill people on the streets of our towns. Once they have pounced on them they promise to fix them up, and send them to hospital or whatever they need.

Street doctors. You can tell by the sign.

What a stupid idea. I'll tell you why.

"HEY! YOU! STOP A SECOND! HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT? WE CAN DO IT ON NATIONAL TV!!"
"I...I....I...Suffer...fer...fr...fr...anxiety....at...at....attt....acks....attacks"
"YOU POOR GUY! STEP THIS WAY, AND WE'LL SORT YOU OUT! oh, you've collapsed. Ah well"

I would like to raise the issue about me paying National insurance for the NHS to pay for GP's, and paying the TV tax to the BBC so they can pay for some GP's, but I can't be fagged.

No matter.

What seems a little odd that GP's themselves thought it might be a good idea to jump out on unsuspecting people who may have unknown medical conditions. What if they are deaf for crying out loud? Having some dude in a doctors outfit jump in front of you mouthing that you're sick and there are camera and sound men surrounding you. My reaction would be to run screaming.

I personally think that the producers of this show are so stupid that they will do a one off called "Street Doctors: Agoraphobia Special"

However. This might not actually be a bad idea in essence. Why can't we have a service where we get a couple of GP's in a van that parks up in the city centre for half a day to pounce on people? Or maybe even get the local businesses to get a GP in for a day. The NHS could pay for the GP, the business provide a room.
This would solve the whole day off work for an hour to visit the doctor. It would solve the whole "haven't got time" thing. You don't need to worry about drugs on site or whatnot, because GP's don't carry any.

It would probably reduce the amount of out of hours appointments GP's have to do, and reduce waiting time.

Maybe we need these shit TV programs to test some really crap ideas, before we actually try them for real. Now that is worth paying the BBC tax for.

Thanks for reading,

IT and Dating....Possibly not a good partnership

Hi All,
Dating is a scam. Honestly.
I have been incredibly lucky. I have a partner, 1.5 wonderful kids and 0.5 fucking noisy little bastards.

It didn't really take that long for me to find my ideal partner, who made me laugh and all that other emotionally fulfilling shit. But this isn't why I'm lucky.
It didn't take me that long to conceive, 3 times, unlike these other unlucky people out there. But that's not why I'm lucky.
I didn't have to go to Africa and import one, or buy one off ebay. Or smuggle one in from Sumatra. But that's not why I'm lucky.

I've got a house, that wasn't that hard to get, and it's just big enough for me and my family. But this isn't why I'm lucky.

I've got 2 cars, full of petrol, that tend not to try and kill me every time I start them.
I have everything I feel I need to live my life to the full, and nothing is a struggle. But no, that's not it either.

The reason why I am lucky to have all of the above?

My name is Trevor, and I work in I.T. That is why.

Can you imagine what my success rate on that lovematch.com or whatever the sodding site is called? I couldn't even supply a good picture.
I wear glasses and I've got a stupid goatee\beard thing going on. I am the geeks geek. If it's two things that women hate it's train spotters and IT geeks.

Imagine if I had a blind date though. Introductions.

"Hi I'm Kate"
"Hi I'm Trevor"
"What do you do?"
"I work in IT"

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I would rather say that I was in charge of shaving the ball sacks of Gay actors. But even that sounds exciting in comparison doesn't it?
Maybe this is the wrong way of going about it? Can I make IT sound exciting? No.

"I've got this virtual host in a datacentre and one of the disks in the RAID 5 array went nuts, I nearly lost 1.5 TB of data and 9 virtual machines"
"....yawn, sorry...what happened?"
"well luckily for me, haha, I managed to order another Hard Drive and everything was ok."

See?

So I've explained this dating thing to my partner, she said I had better stay with her then. So I will.

Thanks for reading

The Banana Effect

Hi all,

How much do you value a banana?

Actually stop and think about it.

Ok, so lets hear your answer....
Nope you're wrong.

Try £20,000.

Yes that's right £20,000. The Crown Persecution..sorry Prosecution Service took a man to court for stealing a single solitary Banana, and then failed to convict him.
The total cost of the trial to the tax payer was £20,000. The actual Banana? The actual physical Banana, still in mint condition, with original packaging, and manufacturers label is.....

25p

I'll work this out for you. There were 26 million taxpayers last year (real numbers on this blog, I got them from Yahoo! answers and everything). Not including self employed dudes. So lets share the 20,000 out between us. So now we have the cost to each one of us.

I'm going to shrink the number down a bit. 7.69230 E-4.
For those of you who don't do maths: that is 0.000769230 quid.
Ok now, I pay tax over a year. And all this Crown Court, CPS, bullshit is worked out over a tax year too. So lets divide that by 365.

so now we are at 0.00000210748 quid. As you can see this number is small. Incredibly small. In fact it is about 2 ten thousandths of a penny.

So now lets work out how many days it would take me, on my own, to pay for a banana. Just using my tax money that has been allocated by the government to take this guy to court...

0.25/0.00000210748 is....you know what? If he wanted a fucking banana that badly I'd have fucking bought him one.

Thanks for reading,


(it's about 351 years by the way, so it would take 351 of us 1 year, and 124956 of us one day. Talk about the butterfly effect huh?)

Source: http://tinyurl.com/ok6mk7

Yes I know it's bloody Sky News as well, gits

ERROR: PLEASE INSERT CORRECT MEDIA

Hi All,

Have you seen the obesity figures recently? You'll have to move your arse out of the chair to see them apparently because over 40% of people are nearly fat to the point of death. I don't mean that your fingers are so fat you can't actually dial 999, I mean that you are that fat that your heart will implode with the power of a 4 megaton cheese burger.

But it's not your fault.

I know who's fault it is. The fucking media. Again.

Because we are British we love our TV shows, and we aspire to do the things shown to us on the box. Primarily because we believe everyone else is doing the same, and there is that pressure to keep up with the Jones'.

In the 90's the media were behind the fad of Do It Yourself. Who could forget shows like....errrm, DIY SOS, Changing rooms, 60 minute makeover, and Pimp my Lounge (OK I made that last one up). All of a sudden shares in B&Q and Homebase rocketed. Everyone was doing DIY. Look at how successful handymen were, repairing all the walls, doors, floors, kitchens that we had destroyed. All because we wanted to keep up with each other.

So, guess what the TV schedules are full of nowadays?

TV Chefs and foody people all showing us how to cook, what to eat, what not to eat, what we should try, what we need to eat before we die. Thing is there are so many food shows we, as a nation, are doing the equivalent of eating our fucking house.

Listen, media. Start a fad of exercise regimes and healthy living or something. In fact, what we British need right now, is a healthy balanced media.

Thanks for reading,

Clubbing hasn't changed...or has it?

Hi All,

When you see something everyday, you often don't realise that things change.
Take my hamster for example. Actually don't, just leave him where he is, but I only realised how old and wrinkly and hairless he was getting when a friend of mine came round and asked me why I was keeping my bollocks in a cage and feeding them dried fruit.

Speaking of things that don't change, I decided to give clubbing another go. Now I should at this point give you a little bit of background. I fucking hate clubbing. The tunes are dull, repetitive and noisy and always have some woman shouting in them. I can't stand it. My idea of a good tune is something with down tuned electric guitars, drums and some blokes with enough hairspray, bleach and styling products to officially ban them from internal flights.

So, anyway, off I went into town to find where the beats were. I found a suitable venue got myself a drink and decided to go where the action was, down by the DJ. Man it was noisy. But it's not like Rock, or Heavy Metal where you get 4 minutes of intense ear shattering, bone vibrating noise and lyrics that make you wish you were smoking the joint of the man next to you. It's 4 hours of bass, and the kind of drum beat that sounds like a bloke with sleep apnea using a road drill.

I got to the front and I was trying to have a good time, I was jumping up and down and "pushing the ceiling" and all that crap, but the club atmosphere was still the same, some woman was screaming over the music; "Wooo!" "aaaaaah!", over the hideous and repetitive beat, I was being shoved around and people were shouting at me and all sorts. After about 15 mins, I got tired, and bored. The woman was still screaming, but I took a moment and realised it wasn't coming from the speakers. I looked down and there was this woman crying.

I shouted over the speakers "yeah, I know, I've come here to see if clubbing has changed too, it's boring, and loud but it's not that bad"

She looked up and through teary eyes she said to me

"It's not that *sniff* you've been jumping on my feet for the last 10 minutes"


Thanks for reading,