Hi All,
God is it hot! Even if you don't move you end up sweating like an MP in the middle of an expenses scandal. Night times are the worst. I have had to take to sleeping stark bollock naked.
Too much information? Maybe, but you will need that vital information, so remember it well.
So there I am, tucked up in bed with a fan on desperately trying to sleep, and all is quiet. Until I hear a strange noise.
So I lie there, trying to think of what could possibly make the noise, and then it happens again.
Now I'm not paranoid, but I wasn't going to sleep, it was 3am I was hot and slightly pissed off so I thought I'd go and check it out. It was late, but that's no excuse for what I did.
I have in my possession a rather crappy air pistol, and for some reason I really wasn't thinking. I put my glasses on so I could see better in the complete darkness that pervades my house grabbed my pistol and carefully went out onto the landing.
I don't know how you are supposed to do this. Creeping around your own house holding a pistol. I mean, I've played FPS's and even watched some James Bond films, so I know roughly what you are supposed to do, so I start covering corners and doing judo rolls across the landing.
No-one there. I stand there on the landing for a second listening. Nothing. I hear some scratching.
Ok, so there is something downstairs scratching around. Time to look around.
I creep slowly down the stairs, and I can see a light flashing through the glazed doors to my lounge. I creep some more, until I get to the bottom of the stairs.
So there I am, breathing quietly, trying to be just another shadow in the hallway. Timing my moment. Ready to take on anything that is in the lounge. My lounge.
I take the safety off my pistol, and I'm ready.
I wait...
Then...
I burst through the door, looking for the light source that was shining through my lounge doors. I find it and fire. Once, twice 3 times, aiming slightly lower so I don't accidentally kill my target.
That's when I realise that I had changed the alert on my msn. That's when I realise where the flashing and the light is coming from. That's when I realise I had just put 3 metal ball bearings into my coffee cup. Smashing it completely.
And now I feel stupid, and I just stand there, stunned.
My partner comes down the stairs and asks what I am doing standing, stark naked, in the lounge at 3 o' clock in the morning, doing terrible James Bond impressions, shooting coffee cups?
I didn't have the heart to tell her. I told her I was just filled with hate and needed to take it out on something.
She asked, why the coffee cup?
I said, I hate the cup.
She went to bed then shaking her head in a "We'll have to put him in a home sooner than we think" kind of way.
And the scratching noise?
That was the hamster.
Thanks for reading,
Monday, 15 June 2009
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Flouridation, mass medication...for the masses
Hi all,
Look, I know its been a while, but it's not like I can write every week is it? I mean, I go to work, come home, drink beer, have a wank, go to bed, get up, go to work, realise it's Saturday, go home....etc...but to be honest all the news stories have been along the lines of "Dog bites man". There's nothing there I can write about, it happens all the time. "Man bites Dog" stories are cool, but unfortunately are a bit obvious to be remotely interesting to write about. What I look for are stories that can be quite interesting. So I found one.
In the Southampton area (in England this is) they are going to be introducing fluoride into our water supply so our kids can have impeccable teeth. Not a bad thing in essence, the UK has an international stereotype of bad teeth, but what the idiots in charge don't realise is that this is a bad thing.
On the back of every toothpaste tube is a warning about not swallowing the actual paste if we can help it. We are told that in sufficiently high doses it is fatal. We are told to only use a pea size amount so to avoid this. But, with their new scheme they are going to introduce a poison into our water supply. We have had the public meetings and things but we have been ignored.
Weirdly I am not saying we should not have something like this introduced to our diet. What I am going to suggest is a slight modification.
The kids who really need this tend not to drink water unless it is carbonated and mixed with a vegetable syrup and a rather potent acid. What we should be doing then is quite simple.
The kids who don't drink thing like bubbly acid, or have a controlled amount tend to be the most...cared for kids. They don't require the extra fluoride. The kids who do drink something that looks like it came from a bottle in Frankensteins castle do. So why can't we put fluoride in Pepsi, Cola, 7up and all the other horrific drinks out there.
Problem solved really. No-one is getting the "medicine" for no reason. The kids who need it are getting it, and they'll never notice due to the huge amount of saccharine in the drink, and the kids who don't, won't get it at all, and neither will I.
Thanks for reading,
In fact that's lame.
Why don't the government just Fuck off?
I'm fucking fed up about trying to make the mediocre interesting, and that's all we are being fed by the government.
They spend our money on shit, we didn't vote the bastard in charge in, and he's Scottish, he's got his own sodding country to run now, you don't see an Englishman in Scottish parliament do you?
Leave our lives alone. We have nothing to be proud of in this country any more.
Instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on toilet seats, CCTV and other bullshit, why can't we have something really nice to go and visit?
Not the millenium dome, that was crap. But a really nice building that echo's the thoughts of the nation. Why not fill that building with everything that it means to be British? Maybe even a tribute to the garden shed, where all the best things are invented. Fill it with IK Brunel, fill it with railways, fill it with the Royal Navy, the Army and even the RAF. Fill it with Concord the Harrier Jump Jet and Aston Martins. Fill it with tea and strawberries and cream. Fill it with the Union Jack and late night curries. Fill it with patriotism and the need to expand our horizons. Fill it with euphamisms and talking over the garden fence. Hell even fill it with Tim bloody Henman.
Make me proud to be a Brit. Don't make me feel like I have to admit it.
Thanks for reading,
Look, I know its been a while, but it's not like I can write every week is it? I mean, I go to work, come home, drink beer, have a wank, go to bed, get up, go to work, realise it's Saturday, go home....etc...but to be honest all the news stories have been along the lines of "Dog bites man". There's nothing there I can write about, it happens all the time. "Man bites Dog" stories are cool, but unfortunately are a bit obvious to be remotely interesting to write about. What I look for are stories that can be quite interesting. So I found one.
In the Southampton area (in England this is) they are going to be introducing fluoride into our water supply so our kids can have impeccable teeth. Not a bad thing in essence, the UK has an international stereotype of bad teeth, but what the idiots in charge don't realise is that this is a bad thing.
On the back of every toothpaste tube is a warning about not swallowing the actual paste if we can help it. We are told that in sufficiently high doses it is fatal. We are told to only use a pea size amount so to avoid this. But, with their new scheme they are going to introduce a poison into our water supply. We have had the public meetings and things but we have been ignored.
Weirdly I am not saying we should not have something like this introduced to our diet. What I am going to suggest is a slight modification.
The kids who really need this tend not to drink water unless it is carbonated and mixed with a vegetable syrup and a rather potent acid. What we should be doing then is quite simple.
The kids who don't drink thing like bubbly acid, or have a controlled amount tend to be the most...cared for kids. They don't require the extra fluoride. The kids who do drink something that looks like it came from a bottle in Frankensteins castle do. So why can't we put fluoride in Pepsi, Cola, 7up and all the other horrific drinks out there.
Problem solved really. No-one is getting the "medicine" for no reason. The kids who need it are getting it, and they'll never notice due to the huge amount of saccharine in the drink, and the kids who don't, won't get it at all, and neither will I.
Thanks for reading,
In fact that's lame.
Why don't the government just Fuck off?
I'm fucking fed up about trying to make the mediocre interesting, and that's all we are being fed by the government.
They spend our money on shit, we didn't vote the bastard in charge in, and he's Scottish, he's got his own sodding country to run now, you don't see an Englishman in Scottish parliament do you?
Leave our lives alone. We have nothing to be proud of in this country any more.
Instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on toilet seats, CCTV and other bullshit, why can't we have something really nice to go and visit?
Not the millenium dome, that was crap. But a really nice building that echo's the thoughts of the nation. Why not fill that building with everything that it means to be British? Maybe even a tribute to the garden shed, where all the best things are invented. Fill it with IK Brunel, fill it with railways, fill it with the Royal Navy, the Army and even the RAF. Fill it with Concord the Harrier Jump Jet and Aston Martins. Fill it with tea and strawberries and cream. Fill it with the Union Jack and late night curries. Fill it with patriotism and the need to expand our horizons. Fill it with euphamisms and talking over the garden fence. Hell even fill it with Tim bloody Henman.
Make me proud to be a Brit. Don't make me feel like I have to admit it.
Thanks for reading,
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
pre-school play pictures, the decision is mine
Hi All
Well I don't know what to say....I need some advice.
Some twat has complained to OFSTED about a picture that was taken at one of the pre-school shows that was on a few months ago.
Why does that bother you Trev? Was it your kids?
No. But I am a committee member at that pre-school, and now we have to make a decision on having a blanket ban on all photos and videos taken at the pre-school or re-writing it so we effectively single out particular types of people who don't mind having photos taken of their kids.
Here is some background. Currently the contract does cover certain parts of this privacy. But we are being asked by OFSTED to police the internet. Basically the contract asks the parents to promise not to put piccies up on t'internet. In return for which we'll ask you if we can use the photos for promotions etc...
What we also do, which is kind of unique, is that we take piccies of the kids while they are playing or doing something and we put the piccies into their "home record book". Parents miss out on what their kids do at the pre-school and this is a good way of communicating with the parents.
With a blanket ban, all this would stop. we would have to hand-pick kids to use for photo ops and things, and we wouldn't be able to film or take piccies of the kids in plays or productions or events or anything. We can't exclude the kids from taking part in the plays because that is against the law. So we cannot record any of it for prosperity.
If we say no to a blanket ban, then the parents who are concerned about privacy in this way will leave. But we will still get the benefits and FREEDOMS for the parents to video their children in a play.
In my view I say no to the blanket ban. But can I as a committee member possibly put kids at risk by having their pictures on the internet?
If a kid falls off a swing or something we can put a crash mat down can't we? If a kid gets a picture taken and if that picture is grabbed out of thousands available by a peado, then...what? Do the kids become a target? Or not? If not, as distateful as it is, no harm has come to the kid. If so, then by allowing the photo to be taken we are partly responsible.
That is my quandry. And one that schools all over the land will have to face now, and all because of 2 miniority groups.
Those who demand that no-ones takes pictures of any children
And those who want to fuck children.
Thanks for reading,
Well I don't know what to say....I need some advice.
Some twat has complained to OFSTED about a picture that was taken at one of the pre-school shows that was on a few months ago.
Why does that bother you Trev? Was it your kids?
No. But I am a committee member at that pre-school, and now we have to make a decision on having a blanket ban on all photos and videos taken at the pre-school or re-writing it so we effectively single out particular types of people who don't mind having photos taken of their kids.
Here is some background. Currently the contract does cover certain parts of this privacy. But we are being asked by OFSTED to police the internet. Basically the contract asks the parents to promise not to put piccies up on t'internet. In return for which we'll ask you if we can use the photos for promotions etc...
What we also do, which is kind of unique, is that we take piccies of the kids while they are playing or doing something and we put the piccies into their "home record book". Parents miss out on what their kids do at the pre-school and this is a good way of communicating with the parents.
With a blanket ban, all this would stop. we would have to hand-pick kids to use for photo ops and things, and we wouldn't be able to film or take piccies of the kids in plays or productions or events or anything. We can't exclude the kids from taking part in the plays because that is against the law. So we cannot record any of it for prosperity.
If we say no to a blanket ban, then the parents who are concerned about privacy in this way will leave. But we will still get the benefits and FREEDOMS for the parents to video their children in a play.
In my view I say no to the blanket ban. But can I as a committee member possibly put kids at risk by having their pictures on the internet?
If a kid falls off a swing or something we can put a crash mat down can't we? If a kid gets a picture taken and if that picture is grabbed out of thousands available by a peado, then...what? Do the kids become a target? Or not? If not, as distateful as it is, no harm has come to the kid. If so, then by allowing the photo to be taken we are partly responsible.
That is my quandry. And one that schools all over the land will have to face now, and all because of 2 miniority groups.
Those who demand that no-ones takes pictures of any children
And those who want to fuck children.
Thanks for reading,
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Something-Flu, Victory is ours!
Hi All,
Media Hype, is it all it's cracked up to be? Sensationalising every tiny little thing. Basically newspapers and the media are in love not with the story, but with prefixes. Flu, is dull. But "Bird Flu" is exciting. "Pig Flu"? does it have a prefix? Yes, so its exciting. Pig flu has killed under 200 people, and yet it is splashed all over papers. "Normal" Flu has killed 5000 people so far this year.
why are the papers not going mental about that?
I actually believe it is because it has the mystical prefix. Of course, you know what the next one is going to be:
Bird Flu, killed less than 100
Pig Flu, killed less than 200
Normal Flu, Kills 38,000 per year
and now I reveal to you the next big influenza:
MAN FLU: It feels like it's killed 500,000 people already!
Luckily we have something in our arsenal that Mexicans do not. While they are alone fighting evil pig influenza, we have the mightiest weapon known to man. The good bacteria in a pot of Yakult. We have a limitless supply of these mini friends to defeat our evil curly tailed microbiotic foes. Unfortunately, our doctors have not realised this. They give us so called antibiotics. These are probably invented by the Americans. After all, it is friendly fire they can get away with. So if you do get ill, here is your choice. Eat Yakult or take medicine, but don't do both otherwise you may as well eat Ski and die.
Thanks for reading,
Media Hype, is it all it's cracked up to be? Sensationalising every tiny little thing. Basically newspapers and the media are in love not with the story, but with prefixes. Flu, is dull. But "Bird Flu" is exciting. "Pig Flu"? does it have a prefix? Yes, so its exciting. Pig flu has killed under 200 people, and yet it is splashed all over papers. "Normal" Flu has killed 5000 people so far this year.
why are the papers not going mental about that?
I actually believe it is because it has the mystical prefix. Of course, you know what the next one is going to be:
Bird Flu, killed less than 100
Pig Flu, killed less than 200
Normal Flu, Kills 38,000 per year
and now I reveal to you the next big influenza:
MAN FLU: It feels like it's killed 500,000 people already!
Luckily we have something in our arsenal that Mexicans do not. While they are alone fighting evil pig influenza, we have the mightiest weapon known to man. The good bacteria in a pot of Yakult. We have a limitless supply of these mini friends to defeat our evil curly tailed microbiotic foes. Unfortunately, our doctors have not realised this. They give us so called antibiotics. These are probably invented by the Americans. After all, it is friendly fire they can get away with. So if you do get ill, here is your choice. Eat Yakult or take medicine, but don't do both otherwise you may as well eat Ski and die.
Thanks for reading,
Saturday, 18 April 2009
"I want my privacy!" Screams man with blog
Hi all,
So, there I was. Sat at work without a care in the world. Actually that's a lie, there were several cares, but that's work for you.
Anyhew, there I was sat at work with...some...cares in the world when I read a story about some group of people who are trying to protect my privacy.
Now these people are supposed to be fairly intelligent as they spotted that the government are trying to create an uber-database with all our personal details, all our medical history, all our tax/benefits information, all our beliefs and what we do in our spare time, absolutely everything, on.
Now I have always supported these pro-privacy people, not financially, just in spirit, because I like the idea of me having a private life that the government doesn't know about. Why should a bunch of unelected (yes, I said it, and it's true) arseholes have the ability to see what I do on a Saturday between 9 and 10pm? Hell, half the time I don't remember what I was doing between 9 and 10pm on a Saturday night.
But anyway, I was invited by these pro-privacy people to fill in a petition against a national database and ID card system. Not a bad idea, until you realise what this involves. They wanted me, to write my name, address, and put my signature on a form saying "I like to keep things from the government", which they were going to send...to the government!
These pro-privacy people obviously think that irony is a description of a 10oz rust steak served in an iron bru gravy. Whoever thought of that petition idea needs shooting, but unfortunately I can't seem to find their details anywhere.
Thanks for reading,
So, there I was. Sat at work without a care in the world. Actually that's a lie, there were several cares, but that's work for you.
Anyhew, there I was sat at work with...some...cares in the world when I read a story about some group of people who are trying to protect my privacy.
Now these people are supposed to be fairly intelligent as they spotted that the government are trying to create an uber-database with all our personal details, all our medical history, all our tax/benefits information, all our beliefs and what we do in our spare time, absolutely everything, on.
Now I have always supported these pro-privacy people, not financially, just in spirit, because I like the idea of me having a private life that the government doesn't know about. Why should a bunch of unelected (yes, I said it, and it's true) arseholes have the ability to see what I do on a Saturday between 9 and 10pm? Hell, half the time I don't remember what I was doing between 9 and 10pm on a Saturday night.
But anyway, I was invited by these pro-privacy people to fill in a petition against a national database and ID card system. Not a bad idea, until you realise what this involves. They wanted me, to write my name, address, and put my signature on a form saying "I like to keep things from the government", which they were going to send...to the government!
These pro-privacy people obviously think that irony is a description of a 10oz rust steak served in an iron bru gravy. Whoever thought of that petition idea needs shooting, but unfortunately I can't seem to find their details anywhere.
Thanks for reading,
Friday, 10 April 2009
Because you're worth it
Hi all,
I have seen the future. It is bleak.
Corporations are trying to kill the human species. We have "2nd Life" taking away personal human interaction. We have Facebook doing the same. We have World of Warcraft giving people a virtual social life with people all over the planet, with people they will never meet.
And now I have realised a shocking truth.
Make up companies are taking what little human interaction we have with each other and are destroying it. What apparently attracts us men to the opposite sex is what is going to destroy the human race forever.
The 2 main adverts I have seen for makeup recently have been for Mascara and Lipstick. This is deadly serious! These 2 products more than any other are going to destroy the human race. The adverts for Mascara over the past few years have been to further increase and enhance the size of your eyelashes. Up to 324x their normal length.
It is the same with lipstick too. Increasing the appearance of fuller lips. Can't you see where this is going? I believe, with the speed research is going, we have less than a decade before women have the facial features of a Camel.
And who is going to want to ask that out? We men already have issues when we see Camel toes on a woman, let alone a Camels face! There is one other way this could go. This is just as bad. With the advances in foundation technology giving women a smoother looking complexion, again with the really long eyelashes and lips, the females of our species will look like Mrs Potato Head. Would you go out with that? NO!
So this is it. 10 years. I give it a decade and then there will be no more breeding humans. Half will be behind a monitor the other half will look like Camels. And if you do go out your other half will be a camel. The only difference being the location of the humps.
Thanks for reading, because you are worth it.
I have seen the future. It is bleak.
Corporations are trying to kill the human species. We have "2nd Life" taking away personal human interaction. We have Facebook doing the same. We have World of Warcraft giving people a virtual social life with people all over the planet, with people they will never meet.
And now I have realised a shocking truth.
Make up companies are taking what little human interaction we have with each other and are destroying it. What apparently attracts us men to the opposite sex is what is going to destroy the human race forever.
The 2 main adverts I have seen for makeup recently have been for Mascara and Lipstick. This is deadly serious! These 2 products more than any other are going to destroy the human race. The adverts for Mascara over the past few years have been to further increase and enhance the size of your eyelashes. Up to 324x their normal length.
It is the same with lipstick too. Increasing the appearance of fuller lips. Can't you see where this is going? I believe, with the speed research is going, we have less than a decade before women have the facial features of a Camel.
And who is going to want to ask that out? We men already have issues when we see Camel toes on a woman, let alone a Camels face! There is one other way this could go. This is just as bad. With the advances in foundation technology giving women a smoother looking complexion, again with the really long eyelashes and lips, the females of our species will look like Mrs Potato Head. Would you go out with that? NO!
So this is it. 10 years. I give it a decade and then there will be no more breeding humans. Half will be behind a monitor the other half will look like Camels. And if you do go out your other half will be a camel. The only difference being the location of the humps.
Thanks for reading, because you are worth it.
Monday, 6 April 2009
The battle of the Vegetables
Hi all,
Interesting times are afoot! As you all know, I am a fan of growing my own cat toilet. Well, after several weeks I have finally found something to keep the furry little shits away from my veggie patch. Netting. Seems cats don't like netting.
But I have an additional issue now. You see I am already 5 weeks into the growing season and I have a huge gap where some of my veggies used to be. I'm not happy about this. At all.
But I found something can can give me a head start on regrowing my poor garden, and these plants are really hardy. They will grow in temperatures of anywhere between 0 and 5 degrees centigrade. However, you cannot get these from garden centres. In fact garden centres would even say that it would be impossible to grow these plants in these conditions.
What I am saying is that if you get your vegetables from Morrisons and put them in your fridge, within 2 days you will probably be eaten, "Day of the Triffid" style.
I have never seen anything like it. I bought some red peppers and some garlic a couple of days ago, and sure enough when I opened the door the peppers grabbed my arms and the garlic made a break for the back door. They didn't escape though as the onions and Sugarsnap peas came to my aid. The fight was horrific, but it did save me cutting everything up for my stir fry, and the survivors are planted in my veggie patch. So in a way we're all winners.
Thanks for reading,
Interesting times are afoot! As you all know, I am a fan of growing my own cat toilet. Well, after several weeks I have finally found something to keep the furry little shits away from my veggie patch. Netting. Seems cats don't like netting.
But I have an additional issue now. You see I am already 5 weeks into the growing season and I have a huge gap where some of my veggies used to be. I'm not happy about this. At all.
But I found something can can give me a head start on regrowing my poor garden, and these plants are really hardy. They will grow in temperatures of anywhere between 0 and 5 degrees centigrade. However, you cannot get these from garden centres. In fact garden centres would even say that it would be impossible to grow these plants in these conditions.
What I am saying is that if you get your vegetables from Morrisons and put them in your fridge, within 2 days you will probably be eaten, "Day of the Triffid" style.
I have never seen anything like it. I bought some red peppers and some garlic a couple of days ago, and sure enough when I opened the door the peppers grabbed my arms and the garlic made a break for the back door. They didn't escape though as the onions and Sugarsnap peas came to my aid. The fight was horrific, but it did save me cutting everything up for my stir fry, and the survivors are planted in my veggie patch. So in a way we're all winners.
Thanks for reading,
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)